I am Larry, destroyer of worlds – no, seriously, that’s my thing. That’s what I do. And in the process I maintain the fabric of our reality. That sounds like a big deal – and it kind of is – but here’s the thing: no one has any idea I do this.

Here’s how it works: you have a big decision you’ve got to make… I don’t know, let’s go with should you propose to your girlfriend or break up? You decide to propose and now you’re engaged and next year married… congratulations! But you inadvertently did something else there, too. Your choice created an alternate reality where you actually decided to break up. Like I said, you had no idea you did this – it’s a side-effect of our crazy quantum world – and, almost certainly that alternative universe is going to peter out and disappear. They almost always do because they’re necessarily split from this reality so they have no sustaining source of energy – look, this gets overly complicated and no one likes a know-it-all. Suffice it to say you’re getting married and breaking up. There’s a world where it happened, but not for long.

Or is there? I did say “almost always” because there’s the odd reality that for whatever reason hangs on – for chrissakes, you’re making these all the time: boxers or briefs? Poof! Raman or Mac’n’cheese? Poof! McDonalds or Burger King? Poof! And by you I mean every single person alive. So, yeah, there’s a lot of “poofs!” going on. Inevitably one will find a way to stick around and sustain itself. Think of it like some sort of quantum cancer. And even that isn’t usually a big deal – they go their way we go ours, never the twains shall meet… unless they do. Well, they could, sort of. Seriously. And then bad, weird shit happens.

Remember that “I am Larry, destroyer of worlds” bit up at the top? Yeah, that’s where I come in. I’m the guy who goes to those alternate realities and ends them. Kaboom. Someone’s got to do it, and it just happens to be me, Larry. (Destroyer of worlds).

I know, I know, I know — you’ve got a shitload of questions. No doubt good ones like “Larry? What’s your origin story?” or “Where did that manila envelope you’re holding come from? You didn’t have it, like, five seconds go.” You’re so observant – gold star for you! – and these questions and more will be answered in good time, but the appearance of this here envelope means we’ve got a job to do!

Okay, see, this is what I’m talking about: Jason Aldridge of Concord, California… 38, white male, blah blah blah… Ah, so five years ago his best friend Alan’s then-fiance put a serious move on our boy Jason. They were waiting for his buddy to come home from work, there was some wine, some flirting, and, boom she moved in for a kiss – I don’t understand why this gig doesn’t have video replays in these dossiers. I mean, look, here are pictures from the scene of the almost-crime: there’s Jason sitting a little too close to… Samantha is her name. People still name their daughters “Samantha?” Jesus, maybe it’s our reality that should end… Okay, here’s the picture of her going in for the kiss and, ooh, here’s his head turn and he managed an awkward escape. Right. Back to the text here… okay, Jason is the best may at the wedding, yadda, yadda, yadda, and all goes well… Alan and Samantha (right? That’s really her name!) are happily married with a little girl. Lovely. However apparently, something is amiss now, though. Let’s go check this out….

Yes, that’s a vintage Tivo remote control. Look, I don’t criticize the tools you use for your job. If you don’t like, just fuck off. Alright… Whoa, are you okay? I know these jumps take a little time to get used to. Let me help you, we’re in the parking lot of IntraTech in Danville, where Jason is an accountant. Apparently, he’s getting off work right now… There’s the door, right on time. Huh… I liked 35-year old Jason better. It’s the facial hair, right? That goatee – what was he thinking?

Okay, hey, look at this, that’s Alan waiting by Jason’s car. With a baseball bat? Whoa! “You slept with my wife”? Jason could’ve come up with something more original, don’t you – no, no, you’re right, Jason didn’t really sleep with his wife, or, well, fiancé if we’re being technical – this is what I’m talking about! Oh, thanks! Pause! Ooh, caught that in the nick of time – a moment longer and Alan’s Louisville Slugger would’ve turned Jason’s noggin into a watermelon at a Gallagher show. Fine, that’s a lame analogy. Bite me. Let’s see, code 3-7-9-4-5-2-2-9… Enter!

You okay? I’m telling you, you’ll get the hang of these jumps after a few more. Steady. Okay, so we’re back at the scene of the crime, but this is the alternate universe and… whoa, yeah, they’re going at it! We should not be watching this! What? Oh yeah, we can travel through universes as well as time. Well, I can. You’re coming along for the ride – don’t think even think about trying to take over for Larry, destroyer of worlds! Heh, I know you’re not – I’m only messing with you. Ahem, okay. Let’s get out of this before they start taking each other’s clothes off – oh, it’s too late. Pause! Pause! Pause!

This is going to get a little crazy here and there is a chance that it might do permanent psychological damage, so if you start to feel super light headed, you let me know, okay? No, I’m totally NOT kidding. I’m not! This is my serious face. Anyway, we’re going to scan ahead here and watch these cats lives in fast forward… Yeah, this is kind of a split screen here – there’s our man Jason’s life, in the middle there is Alan, and on the right is Samantha. Hmm… this isn’t helpful… So, for this part you may want to turn away. That brain damage thing is serious, by the way. I’m going to keep these three streams up and contrast them at the same time with their lives in our universe – let’s call that Universe Prime because it sounds badass. Six streams on fast forward… I’ll be honest, this shit bakes my brain sometimes—there! You can’t really see unless you know what you’re looking for, but Jason, Alan, and Samantha’s lives are way too similar between this spin-off and Universe Prime. See: Alan and Samantha’s kid (hopefully they don’t call her Samantha 2 or something… Alan’s working at IntraTech here too… way too similar. The two universes are resonating against each other. Looks like there’s been some crossover before, but minor shit, nothing until this bat-wielding Alan.

Alright, this is a pretty straight-forward example because we’ve got two universes that are too similar – the secondary universe should have spun off shortly after their torrid little affair, but it didn’t and the resonance increased until… yeah, you get it. I say this is straight forward because it doesn’t require any sort of finessing at all. I just have to change something pretty major in the secondary universe… Hold on to your lunch, 2-3-6-4-9-8-0… enter!

See, you didn’t even double over that time. Look, isn’t Niagara Falls beautiful? No, that’s a trick question because you should never fucking take your wife on a honeymoon to Niagara Falls. Who does that? Well, obviously our happy couple. Oh, there they are looking out at the mist because we’re at fucking Naigara Falls and there isn’t shit-else to do here. Jesus, I should just let their universes collide and kill them all out of principal! Kidding! Kidding! Okay, hang on here a sec. I’ll be right back.

Dude! Calm the fuck down! Yes, I pushed Alan over the railing and he plummeted to his death. Of course I’d be in deep shit except for two things: one, this button on the remote here? Poof! Now we’re not actually in the universe, just watching – as far as they’re concerned we vanished. So that’ll keep the five-oh off us. Or, wait, is it the Mounties here? I don’t even know which side of the damn border we’re on… What? Oh, yeah, second, we’re not even in Universe Prime, remember? This the secondary universe. And that little homicide there? That’s enough to disrupt the resonance between the two uni—yep, do you see that? It’s getting darker. It’s still noon, by the way. The darkening is this universe already running out of steam. Before shit gets weird – and these universes can get trippy before they completely wink out – let’s jump out of here.

You didn’t even flinch that time! You’re right, we’re back at IntraTech, present day, Universe Prime. Here comes Alan like before and… uh-oh, there’s Jason still. Wait, why does he still have that baseball bat…

No, I’m fucking with you – they’re on a slow pitch softball team because of course they are. See? They’re buds still! And…. SCENE!

Do you like that fade to black there? That’s some dramatic shit, right? So, yeah, that’s a really simple case. The ones that earn me the “Destroyer of Worlds” moniker get a lot more complex with interwoven… what’s that? Why are you here? Well, I’ve got some bad news, buddy…