Dear new resident,

This is a warning. Let me tell you what happened…

It started one October night when I woke up at 3:15 in the morning and needed some water. Walking into the kitchen, the TV turned on by itself. An episode of “Breaking Bad” started playing. I turned and saw a full apparition of a middle-aged man in a tie-dyed t-shirt and cutoff jeans sitting on my couch. He looked me in the eye… and then shrugged. My fear turned to confusion.

“Is that it?”

The ghost tilted its head quizzically. “Can’t you see I’m watching this?”

“That’s supposed to be scary?”

“Whoa,” the ghost spoke, “I’m the dead guy here. I think I get to decide what’s scary.”

“But this isn’t scary.”

“You put on a brave face, but I know inside you’re terrified.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Look at you, you’re about to crap yourself.”

“Not even a little.”

The ghost chuckled, “You’re going to be telling this story forever…”

“There’s nothing to tell. You’re not scary.”

“We’re going to agree to disagree.”

“I’m going to bed.”

“Good,” the ghost called after me. “I’ve got like three more seasons.”

The next night I sat on the couch watching “The Good Place” when the lights went out. A moment later came Alexa’s voice, “Okay.” I arched an eyebrow in confusion. A moment later the lights came back on and Alexa again said, “Okay.” Then the lights went off and Alexa said “Okay.”

“Are you using Alexa to turn the lights on and off?!” I yelled at the place on the far end of the couch where I saw the ghost the night before.

Nothing. Then “…No. Why would I do that?! Alexa make rattling chain noises!”

“I’m sorry,” Alexa responded, “I don’t know what that is.”

“Goddamnit,” the ghost said.

“You are such a lazy bastard.”

“Am not. I’m scary A. F.” he said putting special emphasis on the letters.

“Seriously? Why are you even here?”

“I’m a ghost, dumbass. Why do you think?”

“I don’t know… you miss a loved one? You’ve got some kind of unfinished business?”

“Yeah, I’ve got unfinished business. It’s called ‘Season 6’ of ‘Breaking Bad.’ So, if you’d just leave me to Netflix and haunt in peace…” he made a shooing motion with his hand.

“You want me to leave? This is my house!”

“I was here first – remember, dead guy?”

“How did you die? Where did you die? I’ve lived here for six years, why are you haunting this place now?”

“The spirit world works in mysterious ways. You mortals wouldn’t understand. Besides, I tried haunting this place after I died ten years ago. But they were doing some kind of renovations – something about having to get the stain from my decomposed body out… I don’t know. Not my problem. So, yeah, I was here already. Without anyone to haunt,” he shrugged, “I took a nap.”

“That lasted ten years?”

“Hey, I’m a heavy sleeper. Have some respect for the dead.”

I rolled my eyes. “How can I get rid of you?”

“Rid of me? We just met!”

“Actually, we haven’t, but that’s fine, I just want you to– “

“Jeff.”

“What?”

“My name is Jeff.”

“I don’t care.”

“Rude.”

“Jeff, how can I get rid of you?”

“Can’t, hombre. I’m here for good. Alexa, make nails on the chalkboard noise.”

“Okay,” Alexa said, and then the terrible screeching emitted from the speaker and Jeff broke out in a wide grin as he laced his fingers behind his head.

“Ugh!” I grabbed my keys and left the house. I drove into town and made two stops. First, the library where I checked out a number of titles I’ve been meaning to catch up on. Second stop, was the Comcast store.

I carried my armful of books into the house and came face to face with Jeff. “What have you done?”

“Did it take effect this quickly? Comcast never does anything quickly – I was expecting at least another day of your crap.”

“You turned off the internet?”

“Cancelled it. You know, I’ve been worried about too much screen time.”

“You… you… you… Monster!” Jeff yelled.

“What are you going to do, Jeff?”

“I’m going to haunt the crap out of you until you turn the internet back on…” he yawned. “…Right after I take a nap…” He walked back to the couch and plopped down in his usual spot. Closing his eyes, he started snoring within moments. The snoring grew louder and louder… and then started to get quieter. I noticed as the snores faded, so did Jeff who became increasingly translucent. After a few minutes the snoring and Jeff himself faded out completely.

I waited a month before I turned the internet back on. It’s been some time now, but if you’re reading this be aware that at any time you could find him back on your couch watching Netflix. I warn you, he never finished Season 6 of “Breaking Bad.” And now there’s a movie. You’ve been warned.