My brother Jason died two days ago.
A CHP officer knocked on our door a few hours after we expected him home. He had been driving home from college for the Halloween weekend when a drunk driver crossed the median… It was instant, we were told. I suppose there’s some solace in that. I haven’t found it yet.
That was Friday. Mom, dad, and I went down to identify the body. At first they didn’t want me to go, but I wouldn’t hear of it. If my big brother was dead, I wanted to bear witness. It was terrible. Worse than terrible. None of us have slept more than occasional exhaustion-induced catnaps. Yesterday, mom started to make funeral home arrangements, but, Jesus… we’ve been a collective mess.
This morning, though, Jason came out of his room and sat down at the breakfast table. Mom had finished filling her coffee cup and turned around and saw him. Her cup fell from her numb fingers and shattered on the tile floor.
“Whoa, mom, sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”
“Jason?” She asked breathlessly, “Is that you?”
“Yeah, mom,” he let out a laugh, “It’s me. I don’t even remember when I got in last night. I hope I didn’t wake you – you don’t look like you slept well.”
“I…” she started, but my dad rushed in, “Julie, are you okay?” He saw Jason. “Jason? Oh my God, Jason.”
“Hey dad,” he said taking a spoonful of Coco Puffs. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
That’s when I rushed in. “Holy shit, Jason?”
“Hey sis,” he said with a mouth full of milk and cereal.
I looked at mom and dad who looked back as flummoxed as I was.
“How… how was your drive?”
“Good… I think.”
“You think?”
“Honestly, I don’t remember the last hour or so. So, you know, uneventful. That’s the best kind, right?”
“Right,” my dad agreed maybe too quickly. “What are you up today?”
“Probably call Paul, see what he’s up to. Though I think he said he wasn’t getting back from U-dub until Sunday.”
“Today is Sunday,” I said without thinking.
“What? Seriously? It’s Saturday. I left right after class Friday, yesterday.”
“It’s Sunday, Jason.”
“Huh…” he said, then opened his phone. “Okay, it’s Sunday…” he said a little confused.
“Julie, Katie, can I see you both in the other room?”
Jason seemed too engrossed in his phone and cereal to notice our hasty departure.
“What the hell is going on,” my mom asked. “Who is that?”
“Mom,” I said, “That’s obviously Jason.”
“Katie, Jason is dead.”
“Julie,” My dad said, “We all know Jason is… dead,” he stumbled over the word. “But someone looking like Jason is sitting in the kitchen, answering like Jason, eating like Jason. I guess it’s his, what? His ghost?”
“It’s the only thing that makes sense…” I said. “How do we tell him he’s dead?”
“We don’t,” mom said.
“We don’t? Julie, honey…”
“We don’t tell him he’s dead. If he doesn’t realize he’s dead, then we get to spend more time with him.”
“Honey, he’s gone…”
“He’s sitting in the next room, Jim,” the tears rolled down her cheeks unchecked. “My son is in the next room.”
Neither my dad nor I had anything to say to that.
“If you don’t mind,” she said, hurriedly wiping away the tears, “I’m going to have at least one more breakfast with my son.” She walked back into the kitchen.
“Dad?”
“I don’t know, Kat, part of me thinks this is so very wrong… and part of me desperately wants it to continue. I suppose it will end and we’ll have to accept it… but until then, let’s try to pretend it’s fine.”
“This is a terrible idea.”
“This is a terrible situation,” he countered and walked back into the kitchen leaving me in the dark dining room fighting with myself about wrestling with myself. Learning Jason was dead destroyed me, and less than 48 hours later with everything so fucking raw I’m expected to take part in this charade… Jason is dead and he’s not coming back. Mom and dad want this pretend thing. For them I wiped away my own tears and went back into the kitchen.
“Let’s see, did I tell you that I got that internship this summer?” Jason was telling our parents who sat attentively around the table.
“No!” Dad said. “The one at JPL?”
“Yeah, just heard yester—err, Friday. Starts right after school. I’m going to have to figure out where I’m going to stay down by Pasadena, but I don’t even want to think about that right now…”
Mom let out a cry that she managed to turn into a passable laugh, “Yeah, why worry about that now.” Her voice broke on that last word and the dam she had been fighting to hold back broke and she stood and rushed out of the room.
“Whoa, is mom okay?”
“She, yeah,” dad covered, “She hasn’t been sleeping well. The upcoming election is really getting to her.”
“Really?” Jason asked.
“Really?” I asked. Dad shot me a look.
“I didn’t know she was so political,” Jason said.
“Well, you know how much she hates Trump. She’s been really upset since, well, since RBG died.”
“Jesus, you should have seen downtown LA that day,” Jason said. “You’d have thought the world ended. I mean, in a sense it did, right? Everyone is apoplectic about these Amy Coney Barrett hearings. What a joke. How are folks at high school taking it, Katie? I bet Mr. Stewart is dancing with glee. That prick…”
“Jason,” my dad instinctively snapped.
“Sorry, dad, but he is. He’s right of Scalia! He’s old, though, he’ll die soon.”
“Jason, please!” my dad said, putting his hand to his face to hide fresh tears.
“I’m sorry!” Jason said, smiling. At that million-watt smile I felt something break inside me, but I managed to not acknowledge it. He went back to his cereal and said quietly under his breath, “It’s true though…”
“I’m going to check on your mother,” Dad said hurrying out himself.
Jason watched him go, then leaned forward towards me conspiratorially. “Kat, what’s going on with them? They’re acting really weird.”
I wanted to tell him “They’re acting exactly how I’d expect given that you’re dead and you walked out of your room and sat down for breakfast.” But I didn’t. “Things are… weird,” I said vaguely.
“Is anything wrong?”
“It’s 2020, Jason, what’s not wrong?”
“No shit,” he agreed. “Seriously, though…”
“Seriously, you’re dead!” I did not say. “The pandemic, you going back to LA for school–”
“Are they still stressed over that? I’m safe in my apartment. If they decide to start face-to-face classes again at least I’ll be there.”
“I know,” I said almost losing it thinking about his little apartment in LA that we would have to clean out… “They know. But it doesn’t mean they – we – don’t worry, you know.”
“I’m fine, I’m taking precautions – never going out without a mask, washing my hands, no gatherings… I’m safe.”
“Then why are you dead?” I wanted to ask. I didn’t. “I know,” is all I said.
Jason stood up and washed his empty bowl out and left it in the sink. “I’m going to go play Games of War 5 and see if Paul is around,” he started to head out of the kitchen. “Wanna grab coffee tonight?”
“More than anything in the world,” I said. It just came out.
He laughed, “Cool.”
I found my parents in their bedroom crying together. I didn’t want to disturb them. I didn’t have anything consoling to say. What is there to say? I went to my room and cried by myself. I must have fallen asleep because I jerked awake when my door flew open and Jason rushed in.
“Katie!” he shouted, “Why didn’t you tell me I’m dead?!”
“What? Jason? What are you talking about?” It wasn’t an act. In that liminal space between sound sleep and rushed awakening my brain hadn’t caught up with the most recent news that Jason actually was dead, and I certainly hadn’t remembered that we were pretending he wasn’t.
“Katie, stop playing. How did I die?”
Reality snapped back like a drawn rubber band and I remembered the morning. So, when I replied, “What are you talking about?” this time, I knew what he was talking about.
“I’m dead. Paul just said I was. I called him, said hey and he yelled, ‘oh shit!’ and hung up. I called him back and he’s like ‘Holy shit, man, you’re calling me from beyond the grave!’ Said dad called him yesterday and said I died in a car accident on Friday.”
I let a long moment pass while I fought myself on how to answer. “There’s only two possibilities,” I started.
Jason seemed relieved and sat on my desk chair to hear me out. He would always listen to my thoughts when he asked me a question. I loved him for it and right this second it was killing me. “One,” I choked out, “Paul is fucking with you. Honestly, that’s the most likely scenario.”
“Katie, come on, he sounded really shaken.”
“Two,” I pressed on, “Paul is deeply, deeply, sincerely stoned. This is Paul we’re talking about, right?”
I could read the conflict behind Jason’s eyes – or at least behind his ghost eyes. He seemed to buoy and smiled again, “Yeah, he’s probably really fucked up. That asshole,” he laughed. “Do you know where mom and dad are?”
“I saw them upstairs a little bit ago.”
“Cool,” he said as he stood up and headed out of my room.
I remembered mom and dad crying together and hurried after him. He beat me to their room and pushed the door open to a scene of grief. Mom was sobbing quietly, yet inconsolably while dad held her and gently stroked her hair and let his own tears fall. Jason and I stared and I could see Jason deflate.
“It’s true,” he said, disturbing the quiet crying. “I’m dead.”
“What, honey?” mom rolled out of dad’s arms and stood, wiping tears away. “What are you,” she sniffled, “What are you talking about?”
“Mom… stop.”
“But Jason…” she said.
“Mom, please?”
“Jason, we were…” dad started but his words just stopped.
Jason smiled sadly. “I get it. I do…” He let out a sad laugh, “I mean, I don’t understand it… I don’t understand why I’m here now…” He looked up suddenly. “I remember now. I was driving home. The headlights crossed the median. I tried to swerve but…” he closed his eyes. “I guess I wasn’t able to get out of the way…”
“Oh, Jason,” mom rushed forward and threw her arms around him. I expected they’d go right through him – he was a ghost, right? But they didn’t. She hugged him and cried “My baby.”
Jason looked at me and I shrugged on instinct. He rubbed her back as she cried. “It’s okay, mom. It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” she cried. “You’re dead!”
“I know,” he said. “But… it’ll be okay.”
She broke the embrace and looked at him. “How can you say that? I can’t lose you!”
He led her to the edge of her bed and sat down with her. He looked her in the eyes and held her gaze for a long moment. “It’s not going to be okay today. Or tomorrow. Or probably for a long while. But it will get better by degrees.” He paused, then added, “Unless, you know, you do get over it really quickly, then I’ll come back and haunt your ass!” That made us all laugh through our tears.
“Jason, I’m so sorry,” dad started and then his own tears overwhelmed him.
“Dad, you have nothing to apologize for. You were the best dad I could have ever wanted. Seriously, I wouldn’t be who I am – I was? – without you.”
Dad moved around and sat on Jason’s other side and hugged him tightly. Mom hugged again and all three sobbed together.
After what felt like eternity, Jason broke the group hug by standing.
“Jason?” mom asked.
“It’s just about time,” he said sadly.
“No, Jason, you can’t go, please,” she begged.
“Mom,” he said sternly but gently, “It’s not up to me. I don’t know how or why I got this opportunity to come back, but, you know, this doesn’t happen. And it doesn’t last. And I know my time is running out. You have been the best mom ever, and I’m so sorry I have to go. You were the best, mom.”
She stared at him wordlessly and let her tears fall from her cheeks.
He turned to me.
“I guess I’m chopped liver?” I said jokingly through my tears.
The suddenness and force of his embrace surprised me. “Katie, I’m so sorry, sis.”
“I’m going to fucking miss you, Jerkface.”
“I know,” he said.
“What am I going to do without my big brother?” I asked as I squeezed him back.
“I’ll be around,” he said, releasing the embrace. “Not, you know, not like this,” he gestured to himself. “But if you need to talk I’ll make sure I’m around to listen. Don’t know how I can get word back to you, but I’ll do my best.”
This time I hugged him. I don’t know when mom and dad joined in, but the three of us hugged Jason tightly like we could bind him to the earth through sheer force of love.
But we couldn’t.
Jason broke the group embrace and stepped past me towards the door.
“I have to go,” he said. “I can’t explain how I know, but I know it’s time.”
We stared at him. We were out of words.
Jason seemed to know.
“I love you, mom. I love you, dad. I love you, Katie. I’ll be around. I promise.” He started to say “Goodbye,” but the word wouldn’t come out. Instead he said, “I love you all,” and backed out the door of their room, closing the door behind him.
As the door clicked shut, a bright golden light shone from the crack below the door and even suffused through the crack around the door. It glowed brilliantly for one glorious moment and then it faded out.
