This one almost didn’t happen. It’s been a long day. Started with toilet troubles and fasting and then a lot of use of said toilet ahead of a procedure tomorrow. Focusing and writing a story on top of it all hasn’t been easy. So, here goes…

“Why am I here again?”

“I need your help,” Edgar said sheepishly.

“We’re in your bathroom with lit candles. If you want to do a Bloody Mary thing, I’m right out because that kind of stuff–”

“No, no,” Ted interrupted. “We live in California and this is an apartment – you think I’m really going to have open flames? These are LED candles. I’ve got haunted food poisoning.”

“Haunted food poisoning? You’ve got to be kidding. How do you know it’s haunted?”

Ted screwed up his face and strained. Suddenly he unleased an enormous fart, but while it started with a bass note, it modulated into “Bbbbbbbbbbbbboooooooooo!”

“That’s… that’s ridiculous.”

“Right?”

“Whoa!” Edgar fanned with his left hand and held his nose with his right, “Did something die up your butt?” 

“See! Haunted!”

“Man,” Edgar started, “How’d this happen?”

“I ordered GrubHub from a ghost kitchen. Like with real ghosts”

“I just saw a YouTube video about those… So… what? We light candles?”

“That’s the beginning of this ritual,” Ted explained. “Now we’ll use this,” he brandished a Lysol aerosol can. 

Edgar looked at the can, “Sage and Lavender scent? For reals?”

Ted sprayed the can around the perimeter of the circle he had chalked on the ground – the toilet was at the center. 

“Okay,” Edgar said, “So, let me ask again. Why am I here?”

“I need you to chant while I… uh, exorcise it.”

“Look, we’re friends and all, but… I draw the line chanting while you drop a deuce.” 

“I’ll close the door – you can be in the hallway. It should still work.”

“Fine, fine. Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” Ted said. “Candles, sage… I’m ready. Here,” he handed Edgar a note card, “go outside and read this as I…”

“Right, I got it,” Edgar said, closing the door behind him. 

Ted dropped his pants and sat on the toilet. From behind the door, Edgar began chanting “The power of Charmin compels you!” over and over. 

A strain and then a moment later, a splash. He stood up, made the sign of the cross over the bowl, and said, “Begone, foul beast!” He pushed the lever to flush it down and cried, “Go away from the light!” and watched as the water swirled and carried its foul effluence down the drain. “It’s done!” he called to Edgar. 

“Wow,” Edgar said opening the door. “That is one Spooky Dookie!