“Hello, I’m Saint Andrew Avenillo,” The tall wiry man in a long, white, billowy robe and an aquiline nose spoke with a light Italian accent. “Signorina Michelle, you may call me Andrew.”

“Andew?” The woman in the long gray satin chemise blew a curl of her disheveled brown hair out of her face. “Who the hell are you?”

Andrew blinked several times before saying, “I am the angel of sudden death. I’m here to help you pass on,” he waved his hand and a white envelope appeared in his fingers, “into heaven,” he smiled looking at the envelope, the last word sounding particularly beatific.

“Fat chance, Andy,” she said, looking around her at the featureless gray that surrounded them.

“I… do not understand…” his smile furrowing into confusion.

“I’m not going anywhere until I kill that bastard that killed me.”

“Scusami, signora,” he beamed a patronizing smile, “It seems you do not understand. This is perfectly natural. You died very suddenly and that can take some time to accept. Va bene, please take the time you need to accept that you have left this earthly plane. We will go in,” he looked at his watch, blew out a breath, “mmm, a few minutes.”

Michelle stared daggers at Andrew, then moved in slow, deliberate steps towards him, “Look, Andy,” she started, punctuating her words with an angry finger, “I know I’m dead. I’m pretty goddamn aware that my sociopath boyfriend,” she caught herself, “EX! EX-boyfriend Thane choked me out and is right now, as we speak, convincing the police that he killed me in self-defense. And he’s got the money to make it stick!” She stood immediately in front of Andrew who loomed over her a full foot taller, “So I’m not going anywhere until,” she stabbed up at his chest with her finger and spoke in a venomous whisper, “I. Make. Him. Pay.”

Andrew sighed. “Signorina, you realize you are dead and you cannot affect the living, yes?”

“No, no, no, Andy,” she said taking a step back so she could meet his eyes, “I’m not just dead, I’m a goddamn vengeful ghost. I’m going to figure this shit out…” and she spun and deliberately walked away from him into the indeterminate gray. As soon as she passed a few meters, the gray dissolved into the Thane’s bedroom with her body on the ground, and Thane weepily talking to the responding police officers. “Cry your alligator tears, party boy, I’m coming for you.”

***

“Will the defendant please stand while the jury reads the verdict,” the judge intoned.

Thane tried to standup, tripped and fell clumsily to his side, loudly knocking several chairs over on his way to the floor. One of the bailiffs rushed in and with Thane’s lawyer helped him to his feet.

Neither heard Michelle cackling in the row directly behind Thane. Andrew, seated beside her, shook his head disapprovingly. “Seriously, Signorina, tying his shoelaces together?”

Michelle shook with laughter, and held her hand up to Andrew as she guffawed. Finally catching her breath, she replied, “Oh, Andy, you gotta start somewhere! Last week I couldn’t even rattle a chain. I’d say I’m making good progress. Look at him,” she gestured towards Thane who was just getting to his feet, “He looks like a buffoon. I mean, he’s still going to get off, but at least I got a good laugh before I’m outraged.”

When order was restored, the jury foreman started, “We the jury find the defendant…” he paused dramatically.

“Get on with it!” Michelle yelled. No one heard anything.

“Not guilty on all counts.” Gasps filled the courtroom, as Thane pumped his fist and bro-hugged his lawyer.

“See? Because, of course this 6-foot-3 psycho felt threatened by my 5-2, 120 pounds. Yep, that makes sense.”

“Signorina Michelle, are we ready to go?”

“Go?”

“Si, cross over?”

“Oh, hell no. We’re just getting started…”

***

“Thank you for joining me, Amy. You look gorgeous,” Thane said to the willowy blonde wearing a cream dress cut to reveal a nearly obscene amount of décolletage. “Please,” he said motioning to the chair across from his, “have a seat.” He waited for her to sit before taking his own seat. The sommelier filled the woman’s glass with a ruby Beaujolais, then filled Thanes. “Thank you,” Thane said to the sommelier who nodded and silently walked away. He raised his glass, the blonde picked up hers. He smiled at her, his eyes tracing from her plunging neckline up to her eyes and back down, “To new beginnings,” he said and then threw the glass of wine at his date, who shrieked as the wine covered her.

“How’s that new beginning, jerkface?!” Michelle yelled at the flabbergasted Thane.

“Signorina,” Andrew stood behind her as she whooped and danced around in celebration, “We need to have a talk about forgiveness…”

***

The Bentley swerved violently towards the guardrail, sending up a shower of sparks into the early morning as it shrieked along the steel rail until the car came to a violent crash into the sand barrels at the end of the guardrail, airbag exploding into bloom. For a moment the accident scene remained quiet save for the hissing of escaping gases. Then the driver-side door rattled and opened, and Thane staggered out onto the asphalt coughing, blood dripping from his nose.

“Damnit,” Michelle yelled. “That was my best try yet!”

“I don’t know, Signorina, I was partial to the parachute that didn’t open,” Andrew said.

“Right? How’d I miss the reserve chute? At least he twisted his ankle, though.”

“Or when you caused that rock slide when he was climbing El Capitan.”

“I know!” she threw up her hands. “That stupid ledge! I thought his love of extreme sports would be his undoing… or my doing… or… Wait! Are you or, I don’t know, the guy upstairs protecting him?”

“Whoa, Signorina, it is what they call la fortuna.”

“Fortune? Luck? That’s what you’re telling me?” she gaped.

“Signorina, clearly it is not his time,” Andrew said. “We should really try to move forward, pass on. It is not his time, but we are passed your time.”

“No, no, no, no, I’m not done here. We’re just­–”

“Getting started. yes Signorina, yes. You have been at this for a year now. When will you accept that this is not your destiny?”

Michelle sagged. “I’m not willing to give it up just yet,” she said, though her tone belied defeat. She turned and started walking down the freeway.

“Signorina, where are you going?”

“I… just need a minute,” she said. “I need to… think.”

***

Thane reclined luxuriously in the steaming bathtub, as Monday Night Football blared on the 70-inch curved flat screen dominating the wall above his feet. Michelle sat frowning on the sink vanity across the bathroom, kicking her feet absently.

Andrew materialized standing next to her, looked over at Thane in the tub. “Signorina, if you were going to try drowning, this is hardly the place for it,” Andrew said. “After all, he does dive for abalone and the season opens soon…”

An enormous grin split Michelle’s face. “Andy, I’m impressed. A diving accident? I must be rubbing off on you!”

“I admit, Signorina, you have grown on me in the time we have spent together. I figured,” he turned to regard Thane, “If I gave you an idea and it proved… mortale, maybe you would be ready to move on.”

Michelle slid off the vanity to her feet, walked over to Andy and, without a word, hugged him. Andrew awkwardly patted her back. When she released him and stepped back, tears streamed down her face. “That is the nicest thing, Andy…”she wiped at her face and sniffled. “But I think you’re right.”

“Right, Signorina?”

“Maybe I do need to let it go. I mean,” she said crossing to the bathtub, “I’ve tried car accidents, poisons, equipment sabotage, setting him on fire, dropping tons of granite on him…”

“Don’t forget when he stabbed himself with those scissors, Signorina,” Andrew added.

She smiled at him, “He was literally running with scissors. How could I pass that up?”

“I will give you that,” Andrew acknowledged.

“But every single goddamn time, she gestured down at Thane in the water, “he comes out without so much as a broken bone!”

“Yes!” Thane yelled, the water swirling as he cheered for the touchdown on screen.

“What an asshole,” she said, shaking her head. She moved to the end of the tub and pointed at him, “He killed me, Andy. Choked me out! I was wonderful to him,” she started to sob, “And he… killed me. And there’s nothing I can do to get back at him.”

Andrew looked on, concern creasing his face.

“I’m done,” she said flatly, shaking her head but still looking at Thane. “I’m letting go, Andy. I’m ready. It’s time for me to move on,” she said and turned to face the angel. As she did she gently bumped the edge of the TV which jostled slightly… and then fell with an enormous splash into the bathtub. A shower of sparks and sizzle erupted from the submerged television as Thane jerked spasmodically. After a moment the electricity cut out, plunging the room into darkness, with Thane’s prone body in the water.

“Oh my God,” Michelle said, cupping her mouth with her hands. “Oh my God. I didn’t… Wait, did you… You couldn’t have… I mean you can’t… I mean…”

She stopped as the door to the bathroom burst into a solid wall of blinding light.

“Signorina,” Andrew said solemnly, “I believe that’s for you.” He smiled and gestured towards the light.

Michelle fought back tears and stood rooted for a moment, then burst across the room, throwing her arms around Andrew. “Thank you, Andy, for… everything.”

“Signorina, it has been my pleasure,” he returned.

She broke the embrace, took a step towards the light, stopped and turned around. “Saint Andrew,” she nodded to him, “I’ll see you?”

“Yes, Signorina,” Andrew. “On the other side. Eventually. Godspeed.”

“Thank you,” she mouthed and then turned and walked into the light which swelled to a painful intensity as it absorbed her and then blinked out of existence, replaced by the closed bathroom door.

The dark bathroom remained silent and dark for a few minutes as Andrew stood alone regarding Thane’s lifeless body.

“Whoa, what the hell, bro?!” Thane stood naked next to Andrew. “That… that’s me!” he said, pointing to his corpse. “I don’t understand… am I…”

“Dead,” Andrew said, turning to face Thane. “Hello,” he started, “I’m Saint Andrew Avenillo. Signore Thane, you may call me Andrew.”

“Andrew?” Thane repeated.

“I am the angel of sudden death. I’m here to help you pass on,” he waved his hand. A scarlet red envelope appeared between his fingers. “Oh,” he said, just the corner of his mouth curling into a smile.