Yesterday I:

• Woke up next to a beautiful woman who I love very much.
• Got to work a few minutes late… but stayed longer than I should have.
• Stopped by REI to look at portable camp chairs and noticed an out-of-season black and yellow butterfly flittering outside the store.
• Cleaned up the mess the trash pandas made of my garbage can before the garbage truck came.
• Took Winston for a short walk and fed him and Kione.
• Installed a monitor on an articulating arm.
• Watched YouTube videos from my favorite overlander and woodworker.
• Intended to write last night, but instead played some video games when the muse deserted me.
• Talked to Fern on her way home.
• Got to bed at a reasonable time and fell asleep with my cat and dog.

I didn’t realize that yesterday, February 19, was the five year anniversary of my mom’s death until this morning when I saw my brother, Jack, sent a picture of the stunning sunset he enjoyed in Maui, explaining it had rained all day but mom brought that to a close in order to present them with the gorgeous fiery explosion of the setting sun through fractured clouds above the darkening sea.

I believe that, too.

And I don’t feel bad about not thinking about that day five years ago when she died – and I don’t think she’d want it differently. There was only one thing positive on that day and that was that my whole family stood together and we were all able to be present when the time came for my mom to slip off into the world beyond. We bore witness and showered her with all the love she had given us for so many years. When I look back on that day, that’s the sun bursting through the stormy clouds.

But I didn’t reflect on that day yesterday. I though of my mom, though. I still do everyday in ways big and small. Five years hence, and the grief waves have calmed, though the rogue wave still comes out of nowhere to just swamp me…

Every time the first day of October comes around I do inevitably remember that day in 1991 when I got the news that my dad had died. But I chalk that up to that moment indelibly seared into the emotionally developing mind of a seventeen year old, but even more I attribute that to the fact that it was the first day of the month and really super memorable. February 19^th? You’d be hard pressed to randomly pick arbitrary day out of the year.

Only it’s not arbitrary any more, is it? Well, if I imagine my mom visited us yesterday to check in on us all I don’t think she’d be upset that I spent yesterday doing ordinary things, that I thought of her but didn’t recall that stormy day five years ago. I imagine she did check in on all of us in turn, and seeing things were normal, proceeded across the storm-tossed Pacific to Jack and Jenny and their families visiting Hawaii where she wouldn’t abide the weather and decided to put on a hell of a show and Jack snapped some stunning pictures of the event, shared them with all of us, and made me at peace with remembering that I didn’t dwell on the storm that had passed. No, it’s all about the colors.

I know, I’ve been quiet for a minute. But really, I haven’t been. You see, I’ve written the first Selfie post for 2019 for each of the previous four months!Well, …almost.Almost, we all know, only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. Certainly not in blog posts. So, I’ve committed to hammering this out and publishing it because, goddamnit, let’s get this year going!One of the things I meant to write about was resolutions! Both how last years resolutions went and plans for this year. Let’s revisit my 2018 resolutions: 

• Achieve low-hanging Bucket List fruit: Cross off five bucket list items this year.I got a few – two and a half. #13 “Soak in a hot spring in the middle of nowhere,” #20 “Ride Sherman Pass Road through Sequoia National Forest,” and the half is #8 “Meditate among the ancient bristlecone pines.” I count that as a half because while I did get there, I was too wiped out from the day before to make the hike out to the real ancient bristlecone pines. Instead I had to console myself with the only 3,000 year old trees. So, half. That’s not bad!
• Selfie Posts! I’m not kidding: One Selfie Post a week. Well, a quick look indicates 21 Selfie posts. 52 weeks a year, subtracting 2 because I didn’t make that declaration until week 3…. that’s 42%. Not bad, still!
• Stick to a posting schedule: three posts a week.Okay, no sugarcoating this one. The three-posts-a-week thing didn’t happen nearly as often as it should have.
• 10,000 step daysNope. Didn’t happen with the kind of regularity I was looking for.
• Shut up and make things! One completed project a month.Yeah, that didn’t happen either.

While I can count at least partial victory in the first two, the other three… yeah, didn’t meet those. But I’m still chalking 2018 up to a win. Maybe I didn’t get my requisite number of 10,000 step days in, but I lost 22 pounds last year, and I’ll take that metric. I do think I need to do a lot more projects, but I don’t think I’m going to hold myself to a number again. In fact, I’m not going to hold myself to any numbers…Before the new year, a few podcasts I listen to spoke about resolutions and one host indicated she doesn’t make resolutions but instead makes “Intentions.” I like that. Here are my intentions for the year already in progress…

• I intend to cross off five bucket list items this year: I’m keeping this one because I genuinely want to achieve the things on my bucket list, but also because using that list informed my motorcycle trip  this last summer. I deliberately sought out Travertine hot springs off of 395 and I’m not sure I would have in the past, not to mention making an effort to finally get down to Sherman Pass Road. It was a fantastic trip (which I may still put a report up with pictures), and I owe it to bucket list items. There’s a lot more to go. Let’s see what I can do…
• I intend to stick to a posting schedule: I legitimately feel better when I’m writing, and this will keep me honest. I’m not going to beat myself up if I don’t meet my schedule, but I really do want to post as much as possible.
• I intend to start a regular podcast: This one I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. Now it’s really time.
• I intend to make myself stronger, healthier, and lose another twenty pounds: Okay, I couldn’t help but put another number in there. But it’s reasonable, and the most important part is to get stronger and healthier – if I can do those, the twenty pounds will follow.That’s it for now.

They’re all doable, and I’ll keep you updated on my progress. First selfie post: in the can!

While I’m at the keyboard, I figured I’d take a minute to acknowledge the psychic elephant in the room. I mentioned a year ago in my first ghost story for 31 Ghosts, but October 1 is the anniversary of my dad’s death.
Twenty seven years.
This year was… complicated. I could go on at length, but I’ll spare you – I might have been too pensive in my ghost story already. Instead, I’ll explain a little about the picture.
I’ve had my head down most of the summer. My ThinkDudeThink.com postings have suffered because, well, I worked my ass off this summer. I kept my head down and pushed forward – day job and then bartending at least one day each weekend. Lately it’s been two or three days bartending in addition to my regular day job. When I’ve had a spare minute, I’ve slept, spent quality time with Fern, or busily shot people in the head – Fern would like me to clarify that I’ve been shooting people in the head in the video game Counter Strike: Global Offensive. It’s been my stress relieving vice.
But while I have managed to get some acorns stashed away for the winter, I realized a lot of things fell by the wayside including visiting with friends and family. For that, I’m sorry. As I’m always reminded on October 1, life is too goddamned short…
At top is one of two drinks I toasted my dad to. Not pictured is the 7&7 (but, you know, with Bulleit bourbon instead of Seagram’s 7). This? Black cherry margarita. No, there’s no salted rim – that’s not my style. Back in the summer dad used to make strawberry margaritas with fresh strawberries, inexpensive tequila, and syrupy margarita mix in the blender. Sorry, dad, I can’t abide that these days and strawberries are out of season. A splash of pure black cherry juice, embarrassingly nice tequila, fresh lime juice, and Cointreau – and that’s it.
Ingredients in the shaker, I gave it a hard shake and thought about those old strawberry margaritas, and summers with my dad in his Rayban Wayfarers, family trips to Tahoe and Saturdays on the beach at Santa Cruz harbor. Yeah, I shook that think harder than usual. Yeah, I cried a little as I shook. But you know what? That just made wonderful ice chips in the glass.
Here’s to you, dad! Miss you a lot!
PS. This is a selfie post, so here’s a selfie. Well, sort of – my fellow bartender snapped a rather pathetic picture of me tending bar during a brief downpour. I’ll tell you what, I do have a lot of bar stories from this summer!