Be careful of those unknown Wi-Fi names…
I first heard the rumor when I was high.
It was burning man, and it was hot and dusty, and – if I’m honest – a little boring. So, I chose high. As high as I could get, as long as I could get. Add an extra hit of acid when they torched the burning man for good measure.
The guy who told me about the “dead web” purported to not be of this world himself. I mean, he literally glowed – drugs or ghost? You be the judge. But he told me that a number of Burning Mans back, some rich tech bro had a heart attack on the way back from the desert and died in Fernley, Nevada. For whatever reason (he was scarce on details… or I was just that high) they buried him in the cemetery there. But instead of dying quietly and fitting in like any good dead person would, apparently this guy started an internet portal for the dead.
This wasn’t the Dark Web – this was the Dead Web.
I talked to Eliot about detouring into Fernley on the way back and he agreed. I was so stoked to check this out that I decided to detox early – no drugs the entire last day. Except, you know, for weed. And MDMA. But that’s it – I didn’t even do that acid I mentioned above during the burning. Well, I didn’t do both hits at least…
We got a late start the next day, so I was mostly sober by the time we got out of the desert and started into the outskirts of Fernley. I bribed Eliot with an early dinner at the Black Bear Diner and then we dozed in the car until midnight.
Did I mention the midnight part? The guy who might have been a ghost or a drugged-out hallucination specified this only worked at midnight.
At midnight we turned down Vine Street and then went right on Mission Way and stopped in front of Fernley Desert Memorial Cemetery. I don’t know what I expected – maybe some spooky prospector cemetery or weathered rows of headstones from pioneers – but whatever it was, this did not match my imagination. The place looked like a gated trailer park minus the trailers. I mean, there were graves there, but… it was sadder than “Joe’s Hobo Omelet” Eliot ordered at the Black Bear Diner.
I turned off the car and Eliot started to get out.
“Whoa, bro, where are you going?”
“You were the one who wanted to go into the cemetery at midnight, right?”
“I just wanted to get here – I don’t think we need to go in.”
“How close do we have to get in?”
I had my phone out and was scrolling through the network settings. “Just close enough to pick up the Wi-Fi…”
And there it was: the only entry in the available Wi-Fi networks was an unsecured listing for “Dead Web”. I touched the “Dead Web” entry and there was a spinning dot indicating it was trying to connect. And then the check mark indicating it was connected – only instead of the normal blue, the check mark was black. A log in screen automatically popped up displaying a EULA (End User License Agreement) with an “Agree” button at the bottom. I scanned the text but couldn’t actually read it. I don’t know if it was the resolution on my phone or I was just tired, but the more I squinted and tried to read the terms and conditions the more the text looked like garbage. The only thing I could make out clearly was “By agreeing you forsake your eternal soul.”
Eliot was reading over my shoulder, nodded and said, “That seems legit.”
I agreed and hit “Accept.”
My screen changed. It was like going from the “Light” setting to the “Dark” setting, but… darker. Like, indescribably darker. Staring at my phone in this mode made me feel the phone looking back at me. Going back to my home screen, the apps had changed. Instead of Facebook it was the same logo but the name below the icon listed it as “Facelessbook”. Pinterest was now “Pinterest In Peace”. “Tinder” became “Tremble”.
I clicked on Tremble and got the familiar Tinder interface of a picture and the option to swipe right to accept the match or swipe left to reject. But the first picture it brought up was a sepia toned picture of an old prospector-looking grizzled guy named “Jasper”.
“Not really your type, dude,” Eliot offered helpfully.
“No,” I agreed, “but I’m curious…” I swiped right. The app announced I was now communing with Jasper and a chat interface popped up.
“What is this?” Eliot echoed my thoughts.
“I don’t know,” I said, “but let’s chat with whoever this Jasper is.” I typed “Hi Jasper! R u a ghost?
Dots appeared indicating Jasper was apparently typing. The dots stopped and Jasper’s reply came across, “Sure am. Though I do appreciate this new-fangled device so I can contact the living.”
“Ha, look at that!” Eliot said. “Contact the living!”
“How do you like being a ghost?” I typed.
“Oh, it’s fine, I guess. It’s not heaven like I thought. But it’s not the burning place neither.”
We both laughed and I started typing something else, but the dots appeared again and disappeared. The text popped up, “How do you like being a ghost?”
“What is he—” I started to say but everything got dark suddenly.
When I came to, I was out on the Playa in the Black Rock Desert, but all the cars and trailers and art installations and people were gone. I turned in a circle and when I came back around a grizzled old prospector stood in front of me.
“Boo!” he said with a toothless smile.
I jumped. “Where am I?”
“Blackrock Desert. Welcome to haunting!”
“But I’m not… I’m not dead!”
His toothless smile broadened. “That’s what you agreed to in the EULA. You did read it, didn’t you?
Panic rose. I noticed that even though it was the middle of the night and seemed really cold, I wasn’t feeling the chill.
“Where’s Eliot?” I asked frantically.
The prospector thought a minute and then said, “Oh, that fella you were with? He put up quite a fuss when he found out he was a ghost. He really wanted to haunt that Black Bear Diner. Weird.”
