Happy Birthday to me! Early in our relationship, Akilah took me to Chevy’s on my birthday and totally outed me to the waitress. I still have the sombrero on the wall by the kitchen. At this Chevy’s no one’s safe…

“So… yeah, that’s about it. Do you have any questions before I have you shadow Jessica on the floor?” Amy asked Lauren, the new waitress.

“I do have a question, but… it’s kind of weird,” her cheeks colored.

“Please, feel free to ask! The more you know…” Amy said cheerfully.

“Well,” Lauren started, “Is it true what they say about this place?”

“About Chevy’s?”

“No, about this Chevy’s,” she said conspiratorially.

“Oh!” Amy said with understanding. “Yeah, unfortunately, it’s true. Greg the dishwasher will totally try to hit on you,” she said quietly. “But he’s a decent guy – just tell him you like girls or you’re not interested and he’ll legit back off and not bother you again.”

“No, not that…” She looked around and asked with a voice barely above a whisper, “Is this place really… haunted?”

“Oh, that,” Amy said and took a deep breath. “So… yes. It is haunted.”

“Have you seen the ghost?”

“I don’t think anyone here has actually seen the ghost, but I think all of us are familiar with him.”

“Him?”

“You know,” Amy had an idea, “I think I’ll let you find out on the floor with Jessica.”

They met Jessica in the kitchen as she was grabbing plates for a customer. “Jessica, this is Lauren. She’s going to shadow you, okay?”

“Hi,” Jessica flashed Lauren a smile. “Sounds good. You’ve had waitressing experience?”

“Yeah,” Lauren said, “a couple years.”

“Great. Here,” she handed Lauren four plates. “You can help me drop for this 8-top. Best way to learn is by jumping right in.”

They set the plates down at the table, Jessica asked if they needed anything else and both women started back towards the kitchen.

Without warning, an icy shiver ran up Lauren’s back. The shock of the sensation momentarily took her breath away and she was grateful they’d set the plates down because she wasn’t sure she wouldn’t have dropped them.

A voice so near her ear she could feel the wind from the speaker said, “Ray, third on the right, table 19”.

She instinctively looked towards where the voice came from but there was no one there. She shivered and composed herself and kept walking. Only then did she notice Jessica looking at her.

“Did you feel it?”

Lauren’s eyes widened. “Yeah, what was that?”

“And you heard him, right? Ray, third on the right? Table 19?”

“What…I don’t understand. Who was that? Who’s Ray?”

“We just dropped table 19,” Jessica explained. “Looks like Ray is the one in the baseball hat, red shirt,” she turned and pointed discreetly.”

“Okay, but… what was that voice? That chill?”

“That’s… the birthday ghost.”

“The what?”

“The birthday ghost. Everyone has theories on who he is, how he died, whatever. But the thing is he seems to scope out all the parties and then tells the server if someone has a birthday at their table.”

“That’s crazy!”

“I know.” Then Jessica added excitedly, “I’ve got a friend who’s psychic. She came in one night and said she made contact with the ghost. She said he told her he was with his family, and it was his little brother’s birthday, and he swore everyone to secrecy – no one could tell the waitress it was his birthday because he was terrified of getting the sombrero and the staff singing happy birthday to him. The brother was going to tell the waitress – as brothers will do, of course – but apparently had a freak aneurysm in the bathroom. Died like instantly.”

“Oh my god! When was this?” Lauren asked.

“No idea. My friend couldn’t get a date, and no one here knows anything about a kid dying in the bathroom. But my friend said the ghost haunts this place for the sole purpose of finding out whose birthday it is and letting us know.”

“That sounds like a terrible afterlife!” Lauren shook her head.

“Yeah, kind of does,” Jessica agreed. “But, I don’t know, at least the ghost has all you can eat chips and salsa!” she smiled. “Let’s get a sombrero for Ray at table 19.”

I had my first author reading today! I was super excited for the opportunity. The actual event was… a little underwhelming, but, again, it was a fantastic opportunity and I’m really grateful for it! And it ran late, which is great! Except Akilah and I still had to get something to eat, and I still had to get my steps in and write a story! Fortunately, this story literally came to me on my walk. It was me, Alli, and…

We started up the hill and Alli kept looking behind us. She usually only does that when there’s something back there – a dog, a person – that she wants to pay attention to. But there was no one behind us on the climb up cemetery hill…

Yes, at the top of the hill there’s a cemetery. But it’s still a bit off from the top of the hill – I’ve never actually been inside or close enough to see any graves. And we’ve done this hill hundreds of times now, and she never gets paranoid like this going up (there’s a spot on the other side of cemetery hill that I wrote about on October 1 that we try to avoid in the dark, but this wasn’t that side).

When we reached the top of cemetery hill and turned back on another road, I definitely started to hear things. A rustle in the bushes isn’t anything to write home about. But a rattle in consecutive bushes as you walk along… a little weird. It genuinely sounded like something was following us behind and to the side – where “to the side” would involve the impossible transit through bushes, fences, parked cars…

And then we hit the dark stretch. It’s about a quarter mile where there are no streetlights and the houses are spaced apart with very little lights outside. Alli was looking behind her still; so was I. At one point I stopped and turned my flashlight behind me, I was so certain there was someone or something back there. Cranking up the power of the flashlight beam, I scanned up the dark deserted street, into the bushes, into the trees. I almost hoped to see the mirror-like reflection of a pair of cat eyes in the bushes – at least a flesh-and-blood mountain lion would explain this feeling.

Nothing.

Alli looked at me and I looked at her. And then we booked it down the hill.

Back on the hill two ghosts emerged, one from the bushes, the other floated down from an overhead tree branch. They high-fived each other. “Man, this just gets so much easier when the veil between our world and the living is so thin!”

“It’s almost unfair,” the second ghost said. “We’ve been trying to scare that guy for months!”

My friends ask me why I go see John Edward whenever he comes to town. They figure as someone who sees and hears ghosts, I would be outraged by John Edward’s cold reading masquerading as psychic ability.

Well, okay, I am outraged.

But I decided I needed to see him for myself when he started touring and I saw he was coming to our town. This was more than a decade after his show was cancelled and the whole South Park “Biggest Douch in the Universe” episode. Frankly, I figured he dropped out of public consciousness and, I don’t know, was living large off fake ghost money. I pictured him shirtless (way scarier than a ghost) lounging by a massive pool saying to his butler, “I’m sensing my next cocktail… I’m getting…. A woman’s name…” And the butler sighing and rolling his eyes as he replies, “Sir, you can just ask for another margarita, you know…”

So I figured when he was touring I owed it to my colleagues who actually communicate with ghosts to see what it was all about. Did John Edward come up with some new angle? Did he cash in the whole cold reading thing for something more… authentic?

No, it’s exactly the same old schtick but for the poor ticket buying audience instead of a television studio audience.

But the hardest part of going to see John Edward is not laughing because it is hands down the most hilarious thing I have ever experienced. No, not John Edward — the audience.

Let me take you through this… I don’t care what my seat number is because I’m not going to sit there. I always sit as far back as I can get the ushers to seat me. We all know the show is barely half sold out, so there’s going to be a pretty substantial ring in the back of unused seats. That’s where I go and watch everyone file in.

There’s the living, and then there’s their ghosts. Not everyone inadvertently brings a ghost with them, but most do.  There are dead parents, dead siblings, spouses, even kids. They sit in the back with me. A lot of them don’t get out, so this is a big deal and eavesdropping on ghost socializing is part of the fun.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but did you get hit by a train? You look like you did? Oh, a bus? That thing must have been really moving to do that kind of damage!”

Or “that head wound looks bad, but it doesn’t look fatal. Oh, it was? My mistake!”

Or “Have you tried talking to Alexa? That scares them every time!”

Then the show starts, and John Edward is introduced and comes out and talks about how he gets feelings about things and a name may be close but… yada yada yada, no one cares. Finally, he gets on to what everyone bought a ticket for!

“I’m getting pulled this way…” he moves towards the left side of the stage. “Is there someone whose loved one died… on an operating table? …I’m getting routine surgery that didn’t go well…?”

A woman two rows back says, “I lost my father in appendectomy surgery.”

John Edward nods thoughtfully, then continues, “he was very close to your daughter…”

The woman looks confused for a moment then shakes her head. “No, my daughter was born well after he died.”

“Yes, but she favors him… she looks like him in some way…”

The woman smiles, “She has his eyes.”

“He wants me to tell you he’s always with you and your daughter’s eyes are just a way to know he’s always there.”

The crowd “aww”s, then applauds. And John is pulled to the other side of the audience.

But that’s not what I see…

“I’m getting pulled this way…” John Edward moves towards the left side of the stage. “Is there someone who’s loved one died… on an operating table… I’m getting routine surgery that didn’t go well…”

A woman two rows back says, “I lost my father in appendectomy surgery.”

Her father, standing behind her, yells, “Are you kidding? My appendix ruptured when I was on a camping trip. When they got me off the helicopter, I was pretty much already dead! That’s not routine surgery! Don’t talk to this guy!”

John, oblivious to the real father, nods thoughtfully, then continues, “he was very close to your daughter…”

The woman looks confused for a moment then shakes her head.

“Ah, you’ve gone too far this time, you yutz! I was long dead by the time Marcy was born. You tell him, Janey, you tell this fraud!”

“No, my daughter was born well after he died.”

“Suck it, Edward!”

“Yes, but she favors him… she looks like him in some way…” John Edward pivots.

“What? No! Favors him? What kind of crap is that? Janey, tell him he’s full of it!”

The woman smiles, “She has his eyes.”

“What?!” her father bellows. “What are you talking about?” He’s turned beat red now and I’m wondering if he can have a heart attack when he no longer has a beating heart. “Marcy has green eyes! I have blue eyes! Blue eyes” He’s pointing at his own eyes as if she could see him.

John Edward says, “He wants me to tell you he’s always with you and your daughter’s eyes are just a way to know he’s always there.”

“Like hell I do!” he yells. “What kind of Hallmark Card crap is this? Janey, are you buying this? Oh my god, you’re buying this crap!”

And it goes on like this for every audience member John Edward “reads”. He genuinely may be the “Biggest Douche in the Universe” but I think it’s wonderful he has no idea how hilarious his show really is.