Sorry to split up another story. It’s been a really busy week and I need to get some sleep. Until then, what happens when you’re ready to go to war against a ghost..

The garage is usually drafty, but it was a warm Autumn day and even though the sun had already started to set I should have more than comfortable folding laundry, but instead a shiver went down my back.

I knew something was wrong.

I threw on a windbreaker that I had just pulled out of the dryer and that helped… until the cold breeze blew across my neck like icy fingers. I whipped around and verified again I was alone.

I hate this haunted house. Last time I complained to my mom she said it was just in my imagination and to ignore it. Easy for her to say – the ghost (or ghosts?) never bugged her. Just me and my older brother, Jessie.

“It’s nothing,” I said aloud, a little comforted by the sound of my voice. “I’m fine. Almost done. Just some more shirts… There’s nothing here that can hurt—”

A box fell with a crash off the top of one of the storage racks.

“Laundry can wait!” I said as I hurried for the door. One of my dog Spooky’s Kong chew toys flew right past my face and bounced off the wall. “Ah!” I let out a little scream and sprinted for the door, leaping through and closing it behind me with a slam.

“Jacob, don’t slam the door,” my mom said evenly as she browned ground beef for Taco Tuesday. “Did you finish folding your laundry?”

“Mom,” I panted. “Mom! The ghost! It threw Spooky’s Kong at me! It knocked a box off the rack!”

“Jacob, really? You’ll do anything to get out of folding the laundry!”

“Mom! I’m serious! I was, like, almost done! I just had a couple shirts!”

“Uh huh. Look, there’s no such thing as ghosts, Jacob.”

“Mom!”

“If you’re not going to finish your laundry then go work on your homework. The news says we’re probably going to lose power tonight – you won’t have the computer.”

“Mom, why won’t you believe me about the ghosts?”

“Would you like me to check the garage for you? Here, stir the meat,” she handed over the wooden spoon as she walked to the garage door. “Oh my god, Jacob!”

“Do you see the ghost?!” I said, abandoning the sizzling taco meat and running to the garage where there was no ghost, but instead all the clothes I had just folded were strewn everywhere like a tiny tornado touched down in my laundry basket. “Wha?” was all I could manage.

“Just a couple of shirts, eh?” my mom stared at me with that Disappointed Mom look. I withered under it.

“Mom! I was almost done! The ghost did this! I’m not joking!”

“Honey, we’re not having this conversation again. Go upstairs. Homework!”

Knowing a lost cause, I let out a huge sigh and headed upstairs.

“Ghost?” Jessie asked when I got to our room.

“Yeah. Knocked over a box! Threw Spooky’s Kong at me!” Spooky raised his head off the carpet at the mention of his name, then set it back down. “Then it tossed my folded laundry all over!”

Jessie lay on his back bouncing a tennis ball against the far wall and catching it. “Huh,” he said, “This isn’t good,” he bounced the ball off the wall and caught it. “Sounds like they’re escalating their activities.” Bounce, catch.

“Who?”

“The ghost,” he said bouncing the ball again, catching it, and sitting up. “This is starting to get serious. We’ve got to do something…” He squinted like he did when he thinks. Like really thinks. Only a year and a half older than me, he was way more devious. If anyone could come up with a way to deal with this ghost thing, it would be him. He stopped squinting, and a smile lit his face. “I got it, JT.” He was the only one who called me JT, and I thought it was the coolest thing. Still do, actually. “Operation: Blackout.”

“What?!”

He looked around conspiratorially, then opened the window. “Where’s mom?”

“Making dinner.”

“Alright,” he removed the screen and crawled out onto the roof of the first floor. “We’ll stay on the roof – we can still hear her call when dinner’s ready. Are you coming?”

“What? Why?”

He cast suspicious glances at the bedroom walls. “The Ghost, man. The walls have eyes! Or at least ears. We can’t have them overhearing. Let’s go!”

I followed him. He was my brother and he had a plan, of course I followed him.

…

During dinner my mom’s phone rang. She picked it up, “Hi Mom… Already? I didn’t think they were supposed to turn the power off until tonight… Well, sure, okay. Really? Mom…okay… hang on…” she pressed mute on the phone and said, “I told her not to watch ‘The Purge’ on HBO! Your Nana’s power was already shut off and she wants me to come over.  Sounds like that dog-sized racoon got into her trash can again and she’s convinced it’s a vigilante out to steal her prescriptions. Can you boys take care of yourselves tonight? She wants me to bring Spooky… and an axe handle, but Spooky will suffice. You boys will be okay, right?”

Jessie waggled his eyebrows at me. “We’ll be fine, mom. Go take care of Nana.”

“You sure?” she asked him again. He nodded. She looked at me.

“Yeah, we’re good, mom.”

She hesitated for a moment then unmuted the phone and stood up. “Okay, mom, I’m on my way over… no, they’ve still got homework. Yes, our power is still on.” She slung her purse over a shoulder as she cradled the phone with the other. “No, they’ll be fine on their own.” She kissed Jessie on the forehead and then kissed me on the forehead, too. “Be good” she mouthed to us. “Spooky!” she called and our Australian Sheppard bounded down the stairs. “Sure, mom, what do you need from the store? No, I don’t think our Walmart carries bear mace…” she headed out the door with Spooky in the lead.

An hour later the power went out.

I was actually working on an essay due the next day and, of course, hadn’t saved it when the room plunged into complete darkness. Jessie was downstairs. I was alone. In a haunted house. I fought down the panic rising fast.

“I’m here, JT.” I heard a voice in the darkness. “Just chill, man.”

“Okay,” my voice cracked a little.

“This is perfect,” his voice was closer. “We are go on Operation: Blackout. We take care of this tonight. ”

His emphasis on that last word steeled my nerves. “Yeah,” I said with bravado laced with real resolve. “We got this.”

…

I heard the footsteps start coming up the stairs and my courage flagged. One creaky step. Then another. Then another. Then another.

I balled my fists to keep my fear in check. I was in our bedroom reading by my iPhone’s flashlight. Another step…. Another step. I knew what it was going to do. This was going to be like the garage, but with my mom gone, it knew it could torment me in any room it wanted to. Like our room. Our frickin’ sanctuary. My fear hardened into anger as the footsteps kept coming up the stairs one… by one…

“RAWR!” Jacob bellowed as he charged up the stairs letting loose with the Super Soakers he was dual wielding.

There was a huge thump on the floor, like the ghost vaulted the banister to get away. Then quick footsteps through the kitchen and the door to the garage slammed.

“Holy crap, Jacob! That worked!”

“Cut the light, JT!” he said shielding his eyes with one of the Super Soakers. “Told you they didn’t like water. Phase two now, buddy. This is about to get real!

To Be Continued!

This is late. And it’s not perfect. But it’s a solid ending for Jack and the girl in the midnight blue velvet dress and the tawny hair.

“I held up my end of the deal – I left you alone for the rest of the party. Your turn, Jack.”

I ignored her.

Okay, that’s not quite true. I wasn’t ignoring her, but I was in line at Starbucks so I just looked – to her – like I was ignoring her. I put in my AirPods, took out my phone, and tapped the screen like I was accepting a call. “Oh, hey, what’s up?”

“The hell? You’re faking a phone call?”

“No, no, I’m not ignoring you. And I have every intention in holding up my end of the bargain,” I said into the air. The guy in front of me cast a suspicious glance behind him at the guy talking to himself, spotted my AirPods and nodded in understanding.

Rule # 3: Bluetooth Headsets Make You Look Like an Asshole Which Is Better Than Crazy

“Oh!” said Tawny Hair Velvet Dress Stunning Lips. “So?”

“So,” I said, waving my phone around like the obnoxious jerk everyone clocked me as, “I’m in line at Starbucks right now…” Keeping up appearances here it key because as I was waving my phone around I spotted Carhartt Guy at an empty table and Bathrobe With Curlers wandering around behind the counter. Sure, there’s a dead girl talking to me, but I’m not acknowledging her and [Rule #1] I’m not making eye contact. So as far as they know I’m legitimately talking on the phone and Tawny Hair Velvet Dress Stunning Lips (I should shorten her name…) is just another ghost who is trying to draw the attention of one of the living (me) who can’t see she’s right there.

“Yeah, and?” she smiled. “Oh, hey, grab me a pumpkin spice latte!”

“You’re a pumpkin spice latte girl?” I asked, surprised.

“No, I’m a roast-my-own-goddamn-beans, grind-them-myself, use a fucking Aeropress woman. But since I’ve been dead I’ve realized there were some stupid things I never did during life because I thought I’d try them sometime. Like visiting Alcatraz. Or…”

“Or see whether a PSL is really all that.”

“Precisely.”

“Spoiler alert: it’s not.”

“Yeah, I’m dead. I guarantee it sounds pretty fucking good.”

“You kiss your mother with that mouth,” I chastised.

“You mean the one who still cries herself to sleep because she believes her older daughter took her own life? That mother?”

“Touché’,” I replied. “Hang on a sec,” I said unnecessarily as came to the front of the line and ordered. “Hey, I’ve got an embarrassing question for you…” I said as I pushed through the door.

“Shoot.”

“I totally don’t remember your name.”

“Oh, so you’re calling a girl that you don’t remember her name? Wow, Jack, that’s the kind of guy you are?”

I rolled my eyes as I climbed into my Outback, stowed the AirPods in their case and started the car.

“For the record, no, I’m not that kind of guy.”

“You sure?” she smiled mischievously.

“What do I call you?”

“Cat. Catherine. ‘Dead Girl’.”

“Cat’s good. So, let’s cut to the brass tacks, Cat. Pixie Lip Ring said you killed yourself.”

“Pixie Lip Ring? Ginny? My sister?”

“One mystery solved.”

“’Pixie Lip Ring’? Jesus! Objectify much?”

“Cat, were you the kind of person who knew the names of everyone you came in contact with?”

“Eh, not really, but…”

“Okay, now multiply everyone you came in contact with by a factor of all the ghosts. If I know your name, I know your name. If I don’t… descriptions help.”

“What was my name?”

I smiled to myself thinking about “Tawny Hair Velvet Dress Stunning Lips” but I said, “Dead girl.”

“Oh Jack,” she fell back in the passenger seat and put the back of her hand  to her head, “You flatter me so!”

Internally, I swooned. This girl!

“So, Ginny said you killed yourself and you’re haunting her.”

“Yeah. She bought the story that I killed myself.”

“Okay, I’ll bite: why would they think you killed yourself?”

She scowled and deflated, “Because the sometimes-deeply-depressive girl who hates the holidays took a swan dive off of a Hotel Kabuki balcony after a company holiday party.”

“Everyone hates the holidays. And sometimes-deeply-depressive doesn’t seem reason enough to write it off as a voluntary long walk off a short balcony.”

She shrugged her bare shoulders. “Add in an eating disorder in my teens and…”

“And?”

“And a half-hearted suicide attempt after a bad breakup four years ago…” she turned to stare out the window.

I nodded but didn’t say anything as I started the car and backed out of the parking lot. “Where am I going?”

She turned back and wiped away tears and let out sad little laugh. “I guess that’s a benefit of being dead – my makeup doesn’t run.”

I laughed with her.

“Karmen!”

“No, I’m Jack. You’re Cat. Your sister is Ginny – this is all covered territory….”

“Asshole,” she punched my arm, but her hand went through me. “No, Karmen is my friend and co-worker. We went to the party together. She’s the reason I got pitched off the deck.

“Pitched off the… you’re going to need to tell me the whole story.”

She rolled her eyes, thought for a moment and said “Pull over.”

“What?”

“Pull over, I have an idea.”

I found an office park parking lot deserted on this Sunday morning, stopped caddywhompus across a row of empty spaces, and killed the engine. “Okay, I’m all ears.”

“Do you trust me?”

Rule # 6: Don’t Trust a Ghost – It Can Come Back To Haunt You

“Uh… sure.”

“Okay, let’s do a possession!” she said with a little too much enthusiasm.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No, no – okay, we’re not talking all ‘Exorcist’… Look, I can get in there,” she pointed her finger at my forehead, “and show you what happened.”

“Uh…”

“Alright, you know, don’t think of ‘possession’ as much as ‘mind meld’. That’s better, right?”

“Semantics, my dear.”

“Trust me?”

“Should I?”

“Absolutely,” she arched an eyebrow and smiled at me. Something inside me melted.

I swallowed hard. “Okay,” I said.

“Okay,” she said, “Relax your body and open your mind…”

“If you tell me to visualize my own inner peace I’m going to find a way to smack you.”

“Come on, Jack. Relax.”

I did. Well, I tried. I lay back in the driver’s seat and focused on my breathing like I was taught in some guided meditation video I tried with a girlfriend way back when.

“That’s good. Okay, Jack, I’m going to come in, alright? This might feel a little weird…”

The bottom dropped out of my brain and her consciousness blew into my head like a firehose. I felt overwhelmed, like I was drowning in thoughts and memories that weren’t mine. I thought I might black out, honestly.

“Whoa, sorry Jack! That was too much!” her voice came from inside my head. “Let me back this off and make a little sense out of all this…”

The tide of memories ebbed and I felt myself on solid mental footing for a moment.

And then I was Catherine having Chinese food with a LatinX girl.

“Are you going to the holiday party?” she asked.

“Are you kidding?” I said.

“Come on, you have to!”

“Carmen, you know me. Do I look like a holiday party participant? Have I, in fact, gone to any of the previous holiday parties, company picnics, etc during my time here?”

“So… start now!”

I rolled my eyes. “Nah, leave me in the server room, thank-you-very-much.”

“Come on, Cat!” she ate for a moment. “Okay, look, I’ve got it! Let’s get hella dolled up!”

“Uh… why?”

“Because no one would expect it!”

“That’s a reason?”

“Seriously! I’m all TJ Maxx special and you’re all oversized button downs… let’s do this!” She must have sensed my apprehension because she launched in again. “Let’s get fancy dresses! I can do your makeup… let’s do this!

The world blurred and then Carmen and I were at Nordstrom Rack in Corte Madera and I had an armful of dresses to try on.

“Try them on!” Carmen pleaded and we started towards the dressing room. Everything froze.

“Wait,” Cat’s voice echoed in my head. “I always wanted to try this…” Suddenly, Yello’s “Oh Yeah” started playing through my brain and the memories came as an honest-to-god 80’s dressing montage.

I came out of the dressing room in a long brown halter dress. Carmen shook her head and I went back.

“Oooohhh Yeeeaahhh” the song played as I came out canary yellow dress embroidered with flowers. Carmen dismissed me with a wave.

“Soooooo Beautiful….” As I emerged in a black sequined tight-fitting sheath dress. Carmen’s eyes bugged out. I pantomimed not being able to breathe and then tottered back.

“OH Yeah!” and I came out in a chocolate sweater dress that barely came down mid-thigh. I raised an eyebrow at Carmen who fake fanning herself.

“Chick-chick-chikaah!” I stepped out in the long blue velvet backless dress I died in. Carmen gave me two thumbs up!”

Everything stopped again. “That was awesome!” Cat said in my head through laughter. “Way more fun than the actual dressing! We really should have montages when we’re alive to appreciate them…

 “Okay, hang on…” she said.

Carmen and I were checking in to the Kabuki in San Francisco. Then we were in the hotel room we decided to share. Then I had a towel over my dress and held statue still as she swore I was going to love the killer smoky eyes she was doing. Then we were walking down the hallway to the Imperial Ballroom. Everyone inside was dressed to the nines, but they couldn’t stop complimenting me. Janice couldn’t believe I could actually walk in heels. “I’m a wealth of hidden skills!” I told her as I saw Carmen flirting with our sales manager, Steve. I did tequila shots with my IT bros, David and Ben. Carmen was practically throwing herself at Steve.

“Girl, slow down!” I told her. “How much have you drank?”

“I’m good, I’m good,” she said. “I just saw you doing shots, so, you know…”

“A shot. “

Alice, Carmen’s boss in marketing, pulled me away and started asking whether I wasn’t interested in doing graphic design for her and she’s seen my work and over her shoulder I saw Steve bringing Carmen a drink, stop, set the drinks down, back to me, then towards Carmen.  Alice introduced me to her owl-faced husband who insisted on telling me about the ransomware that brought his company to a halt and how should he avoid that.

“Cat,” David caught my arm and literally pulled me away from Owl-Face. “Carmen just left with Steve…”

“Shit,” I said.

“No, she didn’t look good.”

“And you didn’t stop them?”

“I…”

“Where did they go?”

“He’s in 304, across the hall from me.”

Elevator opened on the third floor. Knocking at 304, “Room service,” I called.

The door opened to an already partially disrobed Steve muttering, “I didn’t order room servi–“ before I punched him in the throat. He dropped to his knees and I ran inside past him. Carmen was only partially conscious and he’d already hiked her dress up around her waist. Arm around me, leaning heavily I mostly carried her to the door. Gave Steve a kick on the way out.

Back in the room, I set Carmen on her bed. Opened the balcony door to get some cold air in to clear her head. Pulled the plastic covering off a glass in the bathroom when I heard the electronic lock click unlocked.

Steve and his fury. I tried to throw the water glass at him, but he batted it away and hoarsely yelled, “You bitch!” Flash of pain as he wrenched my arm. Gouged his eye with a finger. Roar of pain and anger. The room spun. I felt punches, slaps, then free fall.

Falling. I was falling. It lasted forever. Or seemed to.

I opened my eyes with a gasp and stared at the sunny deserted parking lot panting to catch my breath.

“Holy shit,” was all I could manage.

“Yeah,” Cat said and wiped tears away again. “That was hard to relive.”

“I bet!” I said nodding quickly.

“Carmen,” she said.

“Yeah,” I nodded quickly still, “Carmen.” Turned over the ignition and drove to Cotati to find Carmen.

…

“I… I don’t remember anything,” she said. “I… I can’t talk.” Carmen said when she opened the door. “I’m sorry. Tell Cat’s sister I’m sorry,” she started to close the door.

I stuck my foot in the door.

“Carmen, no. Cat’s here. She’s right behind me. She needs you to remember what happened.”

“Please leave,” Carmen said as her eyes welled up. “Please.”

“Goddamnit, Carmen,” I surprised myself with my raised voice. I realized it came from having experienced what happened to Cat. “You have to help. You don’t have a choice. You’re part of this!”

Carmen started sobbing.

“Whoa, Jack,” Cat said behind me, “It wouldn’t kill you to be a little nicer!”

Rule # 9: It Wouldn’t Kill You To Be Nice

“Jack, tell her I should have gone with that yellow dress. It would have been easier to fight in.”

“Carmen, Cat says she should canary yellow dress because it would have let her fight better.

“’Canary yellow’, Jack? You were paying attention!”

Carmen’s eyes grew wide. “Cat?” she looked over my shoulder. “Are you really there?”

Cat sniffled, “Yeah, girl, I’m here!”

“She’s here. Right behind me.”

“I’m sorry, Cat! I don’t know what happened!”

“I know, Carm, I know. It’s not your fault,” tears rolled down Cat’s cheeks.

“She doesn’t blame you.”

Carmen wiped her eyes, then opened the door slowly. Cat and I walked in.

She didn’t remember anything, but it felt more like she repressed what she did. Cat offered salient details that slowly started to part the clouds of Carmen’s memory. After hours or gentle push-pull of remembering, Carmen was a sobbing mess as she recounted the foggy memory of Steve fighting Cat in the hotel. Then, crucially, she stopped crying and said, “I remember him throwing you over the balcony! I remember! Oh my god!”

Police were called. Carmen provided a deposition, and the police were already investigating another suspected date rape involving Steve.

This was the part that I extricated myself from their story.

It’s also the part when I started writing down these rules. “To self-preservation,” I raised a glass to Jake at Applebee’s a week later.

“How about to beer? That’s enough for me,” Jake returned.

I noticed that jerk ghost, Larry, across the bar. He winked at me. Asshole. Then I felt arms around me. Turning around I spotted the turquoise hew of Pixie Lip Ring.

“Hey, Ginny!” I said.

“Thank you,” she said, still hugging me.

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Cat came to me in a dream last night. She was in this dark blue dress…”

“I’m familiar with it,” I smiled sadly.

“She told me what you did. And then… then she left. Went to the light. She was in peace. My mom stopped crying. Thank you!”

Ginny had a beer with Jake and me, and told me stories of them growing up. Then she left. Jake had to go shortly thereafter and I sat alone at the bar.

“Another?” the waitress asked.

“One more,” I nodded. “Thanks Julie.”

I drank alone and thought about midnight blue velvet and tawny hair. I smiled. It was a sad smile, but I was glad Cat had moved on.

Rule #10: Don’t Get Attached

Another sunny Sunday I parked my Subaru in the parking lot of Santa Rosa Memorial Park. Then I found myself in front of the grave of Catherine Elaine Fonseca. I brought flowers to add to the copious flowers already there.

“Thanks, Cat,” I said aloud. “Sometimes rules are worth breaking.”

“You’re welcome,” I heard behind me. Spinning I saw loose shoulder length tawny hair and overalls over striped tights and beat up Doc Martens. Her smile shone such that I thought I was seeing The Light myself.

“You look comfy.”

“I feel comfy.”

“I figured you crossed over.”

“I did. But I can come back and visit. And I had some unfinished business…”

“Oh shit, something else?”

She rolled her eyes, “Yeah, asshole, I had to say thanks to this jerkface!”

“Jerkface, huh?”

“He can be kinda sweet, though… Thanks,” she said.

“It was worth it.”

“Jack?” I realized I was staring. “Jack?”

“Sorry, what?”

Rule #8: Never Go To Cemeteries

I suddenly realized dozens of ghosts saw me talking with Cat and were all making a beeline towards me.

“Run,” she said.

I had every intention of finishing “Rules For When You Can See The Dead” tonight. I was really excited to write it. But then I went with Fern and her mom to the Do Tell Story Swap meeting. Fern even somehow talked me into telling a story (it was a variation on the first 31 Ghosts story with the cats and my dad’s ghost). But that wasn’t over until 9 and I knew I wasn’t going to have the time I wanted to finish it. So, I give you this in the meantime. Remember how Jack asked “Who the hell would haunt a frickin’ Applebee’s?” Well, this guy, that’s who…

“Holy shit, Dickie,” I said slapping Dickie on the shoulder. “That jamoke over there with the pretty girl can see us!”

“It’s Richard, Larry, for the millionth time,” Dickie rolled his eyes. “Why do you say that? He looks a little tipsy and like he’s striking out, but able to see ghosts…? I don’t know.”

“Nah, I can tell, Dickie. I can tell…” I stared daggers at him across the bar trying to catch his eye. But he never looked back. He just sat there and laughed that that girl being all alive and rubbing it in our dead faces. “Dickie, Dickie, he’s getting up!”

“Heading for the bathroom looks like.”

“I’m following him,” I said hurrying off the bar stool and inadvertently walking through that cute waitress, Julie. Total accident!

I walked through the door into the men’s room and there he was at the urinal. “Hey! Buddy! I know you can hear me.” He didn’t even flinch. “Yo, jamoke! Come on, quit yanking my chain. I know you can see me. I know you can hear me.” Nothing. This called for drastic action. I stood right next to him real close. Like real close. And I looked over his shoulder at his junk. “Huh,” I said. “I’ve seen better. She’s better off throwing this undersize fish back.”

“Alright, back off, asshole,” he bellowed, swatting an arm that went right through me. Oh, man, I staggered backwards laughing my ass off!

“I knew it!” I wheezed through laughter. “I knew you could see me.”

“I can see you, jerkface! I guess privacy is dead!”

“Yeah, I’m dead too. And I need your help.”

“Oh, you do? I’m shocked. I’m totally bowled over! You know, you’re the first ghost to tell me they’ve got some unfinished business among the living and they need my help!” He was really working himself into a full head of steam. “So, hey, since you’re breaking fresh paranormal ground here, please, enlighten me about how I might be so lucky to help you.”

“Jesus, buddy, you don’t have to be a jerk about it…” I told him.

“Me? Me?! I’m the jerk! You insult me mid-stream and I’m the jerk? You know what? Forget it,” he started for the door. “Happy frickin’ haunting.”

“Wait!” I called. “Stop, please.” He hesitated before opening the door. “I’m sorry. You’re right. That was kinda rude. But, man, you don’t know how rare it is someone like you comes along in a place like this.”

“In Applebee’s? I’m sure it’s more often than you think,” he said. Then added under his breath, “They’re probably just better than I am at hiding it…”

“Nah, that’s not true. I mean, you hid it well. My buddy Dickie owes me ten bucks because he didn’t believe you could see us. Well, he doesn’t know he owes me, but he does. No, it’s not you. It’s me. I’ve got a feeling for these things. I guess you could say I have a sixth sense about it,” I smiled and waggled my eyebrows.

“Really, you’re going there?”

“Look, you gotta help me…”

He let out a deep sigh and said, “Fine. How did you die?”

“I died right here. Well,” I looked around at the bathroom, “Okay, not right here. But at Applebee’s. I was arguing with the night manager – his name was Eliot at the time. He’s long gone.”

“Like,” he dragged a finger across his neck, “Gone?”

“What? No. No, he’s probably still alive. I meant he left Applebee’s. Maye transferred, got another job – look, doesn’t matter. Anyway, Eliot wouldn’t take my coupons and I was pissed, you know? Me, my wife, my boys, that shit adds up! I had four coupons and Eliot wouldn’t take ‘em. Kept talking about fine print and you couldn’t stack the coupons or some bullshit like that. I was pissed, you know? Got all up in his face. He had no right to charge me full price. None. And I wasn’t gonna back down but…”

“Heart attack?”

“Major coronary, yeah.” I held my hand vertical, gave a raspberry and tipped my hand horizontal. “Died immediately, right there. Can you imagine?”

“Well, you’re painting a pretty good picture.”

“And you know the worst part? The part that still really gets me?”

“Your kids were there to see it?”

“No, my wife paid full goddamn price! She even left a fucking tip! The nerve! The least they could have done was comp the damn meal! No, she adds insult to injury and drops twenty percent on top of the full bill before my corpse is even cold! Can you believe that?”

He looked at me for a long time without saying anything. Finally, he said, “No, I can’t. I really can’t.”

No shit he couldn’t!

“So, uh, why are you still here? If Eliot’s gone you can’t possibly fix that bill… What’s keeping the light from showing up for you?”

“The light? Oh, that’s there right outside the entrance. It’s like goddamn noon whether it’s day or night. Annoying as hell!”

“So, wait, you don’t need me to help you cross over?”

“Huh? No. Hell no. I ain’t going nowhere. I’m gonna haunt this place until they go belly up for overcharging hard working stiffs like me.”

He let out a laugh for some reason.

“It’s the principal of the thing, you know!”

“Fine, you’re principled. And dead. What do you want from me?”

“That really hot blonde, Julie?”

“Hot blonde?”

“Waitress. Killer figure? Come on,” I tried to nudge him with an elbow, “I know you noticed her. How could you not? The way the polyester pants covers that–“

“Okay, Julie, sure. I think she brought me my food. What about her?”

“Her husband’s cheating on her with Lindsey.”

“Who’s Lindsey?”

“Horse-face manager broad.”

“Horse-face? Whatever… Look, so what?”

“She’s a good girl.”

“Horse-face?”

“No, not horse-face, are you kidding? Julie! I just…. I don’t know… don’t want her to get hurt. I mean, more than, well, you know…”

He rolled his eyes. “Can you give me something, some detail that will corroborate it?”

I thought about it. “Yeah, yeah. Tell her that time she showed up for work and Todd was here already he wasn’t here for the all-you-can-eat boneless ribs, if you know what I mean.”

“Jesus Christ,” he rubbed his face with his hands. “If I do this will you leave me alone?”

“Absolutely. Scout’s honor.”

“Fine.”

I followed him out of the bathroom. He spotted Julie straight away. I mean, she’s really hard to miss with that polo shirt… sorry. He pulled her aside and told her what I said. She got pretty upset. He held up his hands and I think I even heard him say something about not shooting the messenger. Then she got all up in Horse-Face’s grill and I don’t know which one slapped first, but, holy shit, before you know it they were tossing Vodka Raspberry Lemonades at each other. It was goddamn bedlam. It was beautiful, beautiful.

“Look at that beautiful chaos, Dickie!”

“You really outdid yourself this time, Larry.”

“You’re goddamn right I did.”

That ghost whisperer guy barely avoided getting hit with a chicken wonton taco, hurriedly dropped a twenty on the counter. He ducked a ninja-star-like quesadilla, stared straight across the bar at me and mouthed, “Asshole”. Then hurried out.

Man, that was a great day!