Wrapping it up tonight!

“He’s late! Of course he’s late!” Gavin threw up his hands. “He’s just doing this to piss me off, you know?”

Sophie touched his arm, “Gavin, honey, he’s five minutes late.” She took a deep breath. “Please try to be friendly and civil? We need the ratings…”

“I’m a consummate professional,” Gavin said with a raised chin. “When the cameras roll I will be Arnold’s best friend. But when we’re not taping, that bastard can pound sand.” He punched his fist as he stalked around the foyer.

Sophie rolled her eyes and gave a “what can you do?” gesture to Todd.

“We’re finally going to meet Gavin’s arch-nemesis,” Mary rubbed her hands together with glee.

“After all this build up,” Gary said, “He can’t possibly live up to the villain status Gavin seems to make him out to be.”

Todd touched his ear, listening intently to his earpiece. “Arnold is here,” he announced to the Reeds. “Get ready for the arrival.” The filming lights flicked on and the camera operators moved to get their predefined angles while the boom operator positioned. Gavin and Sophie moved to the door and Gavin’s sour demeanor melted into his show persona.

The doorbell rang, and Sophie gave a deliberate look to Gavin and then opened the door.

In the doorway stood a tall, thin man, his dark hair slicked back with gray dappling his temples. Black, thick-rimmed square glasses perched on an aquiline nose, and he wore an immaculately tailored black velvet tuxedo jacket over a black shirt with a barely-noticeable dark gray paisley pattern. Clutched in front of him he held a well weathered dark brown leather-bound book. As the door opened, his face split into a smile that could have lit light bulbs.

Dennis whistled, “Bro’s got the rizz.”

Mary, eyes wide, “I have no idea what you just said, but I agree.”

Gary looked between the two and said, “Eh, he’s fine.”

“Gavin, Sophie,” the man’s rich voice rang out. “It’s wonderful to see you again!” He leaned in and kissed Sophie on both cheeks, then turned to Gavin who, perhaps afraid of cheek kisses let his professional mask slip for a split second as he flinched back, instinctively offering his hand. “Gavin,” Arnold’s smile grew brighter (if such a thing were possible) as he clasped Gavin’s hand in both of his and shook it warmly, “It’s been too long, my friend.”

“Yes,” Gavin replied smoothly, façade securely in place. “It has been too long…”

Arnold peered around them into the foyer. “I love this place,” he started.

“Where are our manners,” Sophie laughed. “Come in, Arnold, please…”

As Arnold stepped into the foyer and the camera crew pivoted to keep their angles, Gary saw a woman in an olive green jumpsuit step in behind him looking around. Her dark hair up in a serviceable bun, she had a loose demeanor and an easy smile as she gazed around.

“Who’s this?” Gary said aloud.

She turned to him and smiled brightly, “Oh, hi!” She moved directly to Gary and took his hand and shook it energetically. “I’m Captain Eleanor Harper – call me Ellie.”

Gary stood rooted and a little awestruck. “Captain?” he managed to ask.

“Well, I was assigned the rank posthumously – when I was flying with the WASPs we didn’t technically have ranks.”

“You were a pilot?” Gary said a little moony-eyed.

“I was, yeah. Until the liquid cooling on the Allison V12 went out on the P-40 I was flying out of Buffalo. I probably still could have gotten her down, but we were trying to outrun a storm and I descended into the teeth of the weather without power…”

By now Gary was straight-up googly-eyed. “Oh… you don’t say?”

“Ahem,” Mary loudly cleared her throat. “I’m his wife, Mary Daniels. This is our son, Dennis,” she gestured to Dennis who attempted what he must have thought was a hip, nonchalant pose.

“Hey,” he said with an accompanying chin nod.

Ellie beamed at them with a genuine smile. “It’s wonderful to meet you all! I’m Arnold’s spirit guide.”

“His what?” Mary asked.

Ellie nodded seriously, “Most clairvoyants can’t talk to just any ghosts. Most contact the spirit world through one ghost that can communicate with them – their spirit guide. That’s me!” She smiled. “I can’t wait to tell him I’ve met you and you’re here…” She started towards Arnold who was studiously talking shop with the Reeds while Todd’s camera minions filmed.

“Yeah…” Gary mooned, then realizing what she said, “I mean, no! Don’t! You can’t!”

Ellie stopped, her forehead creased in concern, “No?”

Mary stepped next to her husband. “We’ve been doing everything we can for the Reeds to not know we’re here.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because their douchbags,” Dennis said.

“Dennis!” Mary admonished.

Gary nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, I have to agree with Dennis. We’ve been fine haunting this place all these years – maybe a little scare here, maybe cohabitation there, depending on the family. But when the Reeds moved in damned and determined to profit off of our deaths…”

“It just seemed…” Mary searched for the word. “Well, kind of douchy,” she agreed.

Ellie took in their words. “I can see where you’re coming from. After the falling out between Arnold and the Reeds…”

“Yeah, what happened there?” Gary asked.

“Oh, you don’t know?”

The Daniels shook their heads.

“I met Arnold just before he started working with the Reeds on their podcast. After the first few investigations, they started calling us in on every place they went to. As the viewership grew, the Reeds started taking on the personas you see before you, and Arnold did, too. I think there was some jealously from Gavin because Arnold has me to communicate with the spirit world and Gavin has… well, he’s great with EMF readers. And he loves the spirit box…”

“Oh my God, I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep since they moved in – he runs that thing all frickin’ night!” Gary pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah, he leans heavily on the gadgets… which I can see how you guys could pretty easily get around.”

“Exactly,” Mary smiled.

“As viewers kept requesting more and more of Arnold and me, another podcasting service offered us our own show.” She shrugged. “So, we took the opportunity. But it didn’t go over well with Gavin…”

“Yeah, so we’ve heard,” Gary said.

Ellie frowned, “I bet…” Ellie raised a mischievous eyebrow, “Alright,” she smiled. “I see where you’re coming from. I’ll play along. This might be fun!”

“…In the short time you’ve been here,” Gavin asked performatively, “have you encountered the spirits of the Daniels?”

Arnold’s perfect brows furrowed. “Let me consult my spirit guide…” he closed his eyes. “Eleanor, have you made contact with the spirits of the family that died here in this foyer.”

Ellie winked at Gary and strode over to Arnold’s side. “Sorry, boss. I haven’t met anyone so far.”

Eyes still closed, Arnold raised a brow in concern upon hearing Ellie. “I see…” he said gravely.

“What did she tell you?” Sophie asked excitedly.

He opened his brown eyes and said seriously, “She said she hasn’t encountered anyone on the spiritual plane in this house yet.”

Gavin and Sophie visibly deflated a bit.

“But there is still hope with our séance we can entice the spirits to commune with us,” he added hopefully.

“Séance?” Dennis asked.

“Yeah, it’s quite the production – dim lights, flickering candles. Usually the ghosts I meet are pretty excited to use the séance as an opportunity to tell their stories.”

“Yeah, no,” Mary shook her head.

Ellie held up her hands, “I get it. I just can’t wait to see what happens!”

The Reeds took Arnold on a tour of the house, room by room, hoping he would encounter something. Occasionally he would theatrically raise his hand to his head and say, “I’m sensing…”

Ellie would say, “There’s no one here.”

Arnold would shake his head dramatically, “It’s cloudy. There’s something… but it’s not clear.”

While the tour commenced, Todd’s minions set up a round table in the foyer with three heavy chairs and copious candles on and around the red velvet tablecloth.

Finally, the Reeds and Arnold gathered in the foyer around the table and Gavin spoke to the cameras. “We’re thankful that Arnold could make it back onto Haunt Pursuit after all this time.”

“It’s a privilege,” Arnold gave a little bow.

“We are excited to have Arnold lead a séance here in the location where the Daniels died,” Sophie said.

They all took their seats around the table, the lights were dimmed, and Gary imagined the background music playing ominously in post-production.

“Shall we begin?” Gavin asked.

Arnold offered a little nod and closed his eyes. “I call on my spirit guide, Eleanor, to help me communicate across the veil between this world and the afterlife…”

“Blah, blah, blah,” Dennis said.

Ellie nodded sympathetically, “It’s all about the show,” she said.

“I get it,” He nodded.

“…spirits of this house,” Arnold continued, “come forth and speak to me through Eleanor!”

“It’s quiet, Arnold,” Ellie said to him.

His brow furrowed again, and he let the silence linger. He asked again, “We beseech the denizens of the spirit realm to make themselves known…”

“Still nothing, boss.”

Arnold was quiet.

“Well?” Gavin asked expectantly.

Arnold sighed. “There are no spirits here,” he said in a resigned tone.

“Oh, come on!” Gavin exploded. “What kind of crap is this, Arnold?”

“What?” he held up his hands defensively.

“You’re telling me ‘Eleanor’” he made exaggerated air quotes around her name, “can’t make contact with three ghosts that are obviously here?”

“He really has become a massive douchebag,” Ellie nodded.

Arnold took a deep breath to maintain his demeanor. “Gavin, I don’t know what you want me to do. There’s no ghosts here. I can’t just make up some spirit contact…”

“Why not?” Gavin stood up. “We made you who you are, Arnold. Throw us a goddamn bone, here!”

Arnold stood up and shook his head. “I really used to like you Gavin…” he said sadly. He turned to Sophie and said conciliatorily, “Sophie, it has been genuinely good to see you again.” He turned and started for the door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Gavin moved to intercept him.

Arnold stopped and faced him. “I’m leaving, Gavin. I’m not going to be part of a charade,” he turned and moved to the door.

“The hell you’re leaving,” Gavin lurched for Arnold.

Ellie stepped between Arnold and Gavin and let Gavin cross through her. The effect on the living man was akin to a taser, his body shaking from the unseen contact. “I got this, boss,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Ooh,” the Daniels all flinched in unison recognizing the toll this energy would take from Ellie… and seeing Gavin flail around like a fish out of water.

Arnold stopped on the threshold and regarded Gavin on the ground. “Goodbye, Gavin. Good luck with your not-haunted house.”

Ellie stepped after him. Her body now visibly transparent to the Daniels. “It really was great meeting you!” she said, clearly exhausted.

“Are you going to be okay?” Gary asked.

“Oh, this?” she gestured to her less-than-solid body. “Eh, I’ll be fine,” she said, bravado evident as her voice cracked a bit.

“Take care of yourself, please!” Mary said.

“I will,” she gave a wan smile and then turned and followed Arnold out.

Two weeks later, a “For Sale” sign appeared in front of the Daniels house.

Gary, Mary, and Dennis watched Andi stand in front of the house waiting for her next client.

“I missed Andi,” Mary smiled.

“It’s definitely good to see her again,” Gary nodded.

“Who knew we could chase people out of here by anti-haunting the place?” Dennis said.

A beige Infiniti SUV pulled up to the curb and a young couple stepped out and greeted Andi.

“Usually, I wait until after I’ve shown the house to tell you this is a ‘Stigmatized Property’.”

“Oh, we’ve heard,” the man said nodding at his wife. “We follow the Haunt Pursuit podcast. We figured that’s why it’s being offered so low.”

Andi arched a brow. “And that doesn’t bother you?”

The woman shook her head, “No, not at all. If a team of professional ghost hunters couldn’t find anything then that’s as clean a bill of health as you could ask for.”

“Exactly,” her husband agreed. “Besides, we don’t believe in that ghost nonsense anyway.”

“Oh, thank god!” Mary exclaimed with glee.

“We’re back!” Gary cheered.

“Let’s haunt the hell out of this norm-core duds!”

“Dennis, language!”

Okay, I’m breaking it into THREE parts. I’m having fun here, but ran out of time. We’ll finish up tomorrow, I promise!

The ink wasn’t even dry as the Reeds moved in like a hurricane. The first wave felt familiar: moving trucks with couches, beds, furniture, boxes. Gary, Mary, and Dennis stood inside watching the movers hustle everything inside as Gavin and Sophie instructed for this piece here and that box there.

Mary noticed it first.

She sniffed as the movers dragged a bureau in through the front door. “This isn’t their stuff,” she said as her nose wrinkled.

“What are you talking about, mom?”

“The… energy associated with all this…stuff. It’s very different from the Reeds’ energy. Can’t you tell?”

Gary sat down on the newly-moved couch, sniffing. “Yeah, I see what you’re talking about…”

“Then what’s with all this stuff?” Dennis asked as the foreman came through the doorway with a clipboard.

“Mr. Reed? Mrs. Reed? That’s all of the stuff for the staging.”

“Staging?” Gary exclaimed.

“Fantastic,” Gavin said signing the clipboard.

“Thank you, Sam,” Sophie thanked the foreman.

Handing the clipboard back to Sam, Gavin turned to his wife and said, “Shall we get the equipment?”

“Let’s,” she agreed as the three walked out the front door, closing and locking it behind them.

“Equipment?” Mary asked.

This was the eye of the move-in hurricane and it lasted a few hours before the hearse appeared in the driveway followed by several black box trucks. What followed reminded Gary of the time-lapse of roadies setting up a festival concert. Cameras, lights, rigging, Pelican cases filled with computers and monitors and half a dozen techs setting things up.

The staging made the house look fairly… normal, lived in. The family room had a couch, a lived-in armchair, and TV; the master bedroom had a king-sized bed with floral duvet covers; there were toothbrushes by the sink. But behind the door in Dennis’s old room stood a vocal booth for overdubs as well as a control board and recording equipment. The basement looked like it was ready to produce the Super Bowl for all the screens and computers and slides and dials.

“What have they done?” Mary asked awed.

“This isn’t the worst of it,” Dennis said. He led his parents up into the kitchen, pointing to pin pricks in the corners of the room. “Cameras and microphones.” He moved his hand towards the light switch and the light glowed an unnatural brightness.

“Dennis!” Gary admonished. “We’re not going to do anything, remember?”

The Reeds scurried into the kitchen, staring up at the light. “It’s beginning!” Gavin said, gleefully. Sophie actually squeed and did a little dance.

“See? Look at how happy they are!” Gary threw up his hands.

“No, dad, it doesn’t matter right now – they’re not recording. This is actually perfect because now they have hope that we’re going to keep doing this,” he motioned and the light turned off.

“This is fantastic!” Sophie cheered.

“I don’t like this,” Gary tutted.

“No, I think Dennis has the right idea – I don’t think we should do anything else, mind you,” she said eyeing her son. “But now they think all they have to do is flip on the cameras and voila!”

“There’s more, though,” Dennis said and led them on a tour of the house pointing out temperature sensors, motion detectors, infrared cameras, and hidden microphones.

Gary whistled. “They really loaded this place up, didn’t they?” He looked from Mary to Dennis. “Well, let’s get ready to not haunt this place.”

The following day the ghosts watched from the second story as the Reeds announced to cameras how they had bought this house where a family met their untimely demise and now they were going to document all their encounters. They led the cameras through the house showing the staged kitchen, the family room, the master bedroom. As they made their way out to the stairs, the ghosts moved aside as the couple and their cameras paused.

“And right here,” Gavin intoned, “The father, Gary Daniels fell over this banister, plunging to his death on the tile in the foyer.” The camera followed his motion, pointing dramatically over the banister to the floor below before coming back up and focusing on Sophie.

“We know the ghosts of that poor family still walk these halls,” she looked around in wonder. “We’re going to make contact with them…”

“The hell you are,” Gary stage whispered.

“…and record every encounter for you, our devoted fans.”

“So, stay with the Haunt Pursuit team as we take you into a true-life haunted house. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.” The pasted-on smile and glowing enthusiasm instantly evaporated. “That should be a good introduction, right Todd?”

Todd, wearing an oversized headset stood behind the cameras and boom mic operators and flashed Gavin a thumbs up.

“We’re good, then?” Sophie asked.

“Yeah,” Todd said. “We’re going to shoot some B-roll footage and should be on track for…” he consulted his clipboard, “…At nine we’ll start filming the monitoring of the instruments.”

“Perfect,” Gavin said looking at his watch. “I’ve got a massage in twenty minutes…”

“I’ve got a mani-pedi at five,” Sophie said, starting down the stairs.

“Love what we have so far, guys,” Todd said enthusiastically as Gavin and Sophie left the house.

“God, I hate those two,” Gary said standing next to Todd, who himself whispered, “God, I hate those two,” under his breath too low for anyone other than Gary to hear.

Two weeks later Gavin walked through the foyer exclaiming, “What do you mean we don’t have anything?”

Todd and Sophie followed. Todd explained, “We have plenty of B roll, but as you know, the cameras have recorded absolutely nothing. The only thing we caught on audio was an intern snoring in the spare bedroom. The temperature sensors never wavered, and the EMF meters picked up zero anomalies.”

“Todd,” Sophie said, “We know this place is haunted. We saw activity the first day we were here!”

“I’m not doubting you, Ms. Reed. I’m just saying we’ve got nothing to corroborate that.”

“Nothing? Two weeks and you’ve got nothing?”

Gary fist-bumped Dennis.

“That’s what I’m telling you, Mr. Reed. Maybe you could do something to draw them out?”

“Like be less douchy,” Dennis quipped.

“Dennis!” Mary admonished.

“Like what, Todd?” Sophie asked.

Gavin spun and pointed a finger at Todd, “Don’t say it, Todd. Don’t even suggest it…”

Todd held up his hands in a placating gesture, “Mr. Reed, I’m not saying we have to go with.. Him…”

“Good, because we’re not going to go with that… Judas!” Gavin practically spit.

“A Judas?” Gary nodded. “Okay, I’m listening…”

“Gavin,” Sophie put a soothing hand on Gavin’s arm, “Maybe Todd is right. Maybe a séance with Arnold–”

Gavin jerked away. “You said his name. I told you not to ever say his name!”

“I like this Arnold already,” Mary smiled.

“Gavin, honey,” Sophie consoled. “We have a house with expensive equipment and an expensive mortgage and staff and it’s all paid for by our generous fans and sponsors. But if we don’t have content, we’re going to lose those fans and sponsors…”

“We can bring the ghosts out ourselves!” Gavin argued.

“No you can’t,” Gary said.

“Gavin, no, we can’t,” Sophie said as gently as she could. “Two weeks and nothing on sensors or cameras. We need to bring in Arnold.”

Gavin flinched at the name again, but everyone could see the fight wasn’t in him. As a last resort, he suggested, “What if we do a Ouija session tonight? You know how those always stir up the spirits!”

Sophie rolled her eyes and Todd sighed.

“Look, let’s give it a shot at least,” Gavin argued.

“Fine,” Sophie said. “Todd? Can you set up the dining room?”

“Yes, Ms. Reed.”

At nine, the production lights dimmed to a suitably eerie ambiance and Todd signaled for the cameras to start filming as Gavin and Sophie stood over a Ouija board.

“Good evening and welcome to Haunt Pursuit where we’re going to contact the ghosts in this house using this Ouija board,” Gavin began his introduction.

As Gavin spoke, Gary asked “Why do we have to stand so close to them again?” as he pressed uncomfortably against Gavin’s back.

Dennis, pressed against Sophie’s back, said, “Because that camera there,” he gestured with his chin “is a thermal camera. If we stand here it’ll pick us up. Pressed up against them, we just look like part of them.”

“And why aren’t we with Mom back there behind Todd?”

“Because we’re going to make sure Gavin there doesn’t try something with the planchette.”

“…Let’s begin,” Gavin intoned and he placed his fingertips on the planchette, as did Sophie’s manicured nails. In a overly loud voice Gavin asked, “Are there any spirits here that wish to speak with us?”

The planchette didn’t move. Then, slowly, it drifted across the board to stop on the word “Yes.”

Sophie gasped.

“That son of a bitch,” Gary said.

“Gary!” Mary said from behind Todd.

“He’s moving the planchette himself!”

“Are you the ghosts of the family that died here?” Gavin intoned.

The planchette slid off of “Yes” into the middle of the board, paused, then smoothly moved back to “Yes.”

“What is your name?” Gavin asked gravely.

The planchet moved from “Yes” to “G” and then “A”

“I don’t think so,” Gary said, leaning forward and putting his own fingers on the planchette.

The planchette moved from “A” to “Y”.

“Gay?” Gavin said confused.

Dennis snickered. “Nice, dad.”

Todd sighed audibly. “Yeah, we can’t use that.”

“Maybe the ghost is coming out?” Sophie said hopefully.

“We don’t want to appear too woke, dear,” Gavin said. “Todd’s right. Okay, let’s try again.” He moved the planchette back to “Yes,” asked Todd if he was ready. When Todd nodded, Gavin intoned, “Do you have anything to say to us?”

Dennis leaned forward this time.

The planchette moved to “M”

“M” Gavin announced.

The planchette moved to “O”

“O” Gavin said, then “I”, then “S”, then “T. Moist?”

Stiffled laughter could be heard from behind the camera.

“What the hell?” Gavin asked the air.

Gary looked at his son, “Moist?”

“No one likes that word,” Dennis explained.

“We can’t use that,” Todd said. “No one likes that word.”

Gavin growled with irritation. “We’re going to try again,” he said testily, sliding the planchette back to “Yes.” “Ready, Todd?”

Todd silently nodded.

“Who would like to speak with us tonight?” Gary intoned again.

The planchette slid to the middle of the board and started towards “G” again, but Gary put his fingers on the board and stopped the planchette from moving.

“Oh no you don’t…”

The planchette stopped moving abruptly. Then it started moving towards “D.”

“Nope,” Dennis said, leaning forward and putting his fingers on the planchette, stopping its movement.

The planchette appeared to jerk a bit as Gary and Dennis fought Gavin trying to move it.

After minutes of the planchette doing nothing but hover in one place on the board, Todd spoke up “Guys, this isn’t particularly compelling…” he said, bringing the lights up to regular level

Sophie took her fingers off the planchette with a sigh.

Gavin kept his on there, the tips of his fingers white on the planchette.

“Gavin, you’re pushing it!” Sophie said.

“Yes… but they’re pushing back!” Gavin said.

“But you’re moving the planchette,” She said.

“Yes but…”

“But you’re moving the planchette,” she said acidly.

“But…” he started.

Sophie stalked out of the room.

“Where are you going?” Gavin called.

“I’m calling Arnold,” her voice trailed in.

Gavin stood abruptly staring after his wife, taking his fingers off the planchette. The force from Gary and Dennis caused the planchette to fly off the board. His eyes followed the planchette as it bounced across the floor. “Did you catch that?” he asked exasperated.

Todd shook his head. “We weren’t rolling.”

“Goddamnit,” Gavin stomped his feel in a tantrum.

“Language!” Mary said even though Gavin couldn’t hear her.

On my night walks with Allie, I’ve lately found myself listening to the excellent podcast, “Monsters Among Us.” Callers leave their true stories about paranormal experiences. More than once I’ve thought it might not be the best thing to listening to wandering the dark and shadowy streets of Rohnert Park, but, hey, I need inspiration at any cost! The most recent show has the theme of Haunted Houses, and they mentioned about some states having laws where you have to disclose if your house is thought to be haunted – it’s not legally admitting it’s a ghost. Instead the property is deemed a “Stigmatized Property” – same designation if a crime or death has occurred on the property and the idea of that incident (or ghost) could adversely affect the home price. Unfortunately, it’s a lot more legalese than creepy. But it did get me thinking…
Sorry for splitting this into a two-parter. I just wanted to give it space to breathe…

“We absolutely love the place,” the sandy-haired husband declared – was his name Jim? Tim? Andi, the Real Estate agent thought. Something like that…

“Yeah, I think it’s perfect! I can’t wait for the kids to see it…” Janet – the wife, I remembered her name, Andi thought – said.

“Whoa, sweetie,” Jim/Tim warned with a smile. “We have to see about the next steps.”

Both turned beaming faces towards Andi.

This was the part Andi dreaded… You’d think she’d be used to it by now – the house had been on the market now for more than six months. “I’m really glad you liked it,” she put on her brightest smile. “Now, I am legally obligated to disclose something about the house…”

“What, is it haunted or something?”

“Yes, actually…”  

She watched their excited, hopeful faces deflate in front of her. Again, she knew she should have been used to it, but every time her heart sank.

“Technically, it’s referred to as a ‘Stigmatized Property’.”

“Oh,” the couple said in unison and unconsciously stepped back at the same time.

“What happened here?” Janet tentatively asked.

“The owners at the time all died in the house,” Janet said matter-of-factly.

“Oh,” Jim/Tim said. “Like over a period of time…?” he asked hopefully.

“Well, yes… I’m told it was over the span of about five minutes.”

The couple gasped in unison.

“But it wasn’t foul play…” Andi hastily added.

“Then, how…” Janet inquired.

“The best police could reconstruct, the teenage boy slipped on a puddle at the top of the stairs and fell down the stairs, breaking his neck. The father, hearing the commotion, rushed to the banister and slipped himself, falling over the railing. The mother, who was making dinner at the time, ran into the foyer, only to trip over her husband’s body, causing her to fall, impaling herself on the knife she was carrying.”

“Holy shit,” Janet said. Jim/Tim looked at her, aghast at her profanity, then softened realizing his reaction was the same.

“But,” Jim/Tim started, “They died here – no foul play, like you said. That’s it, right? It’s not like there was haunting reported…”

“Well…” Andi started, but Janet had already started for the car.

“We… We’ll call you if we change our mind,” Jim/Tim said as he hurried after his wife.

“Well, shit,” Andi said.

“Well, shit,” Dennis said from the upstairs window.

“Language, young man,” Mary admonished.

“Mom, I’m thirty. I can swear, it’s okay.”

“Dennis, you were fifteen when we all died. Maybe it’s been another fifteen years, but to your mother you’ll still always be that precocious fifteen year old boy.”

“Thank you, Gary,” Mary smiled at her husband. “A precocious boy who shouldn’t have been running in the house,” she couldn’t help but add.

“Says the woman who was running while holding a knife,” Dennis smiled sardonically.

“I mean, we always said don’t run with scissors – no one ever said anything about running with a carving knife,” Gary laughed and fist-bumped his son.

“Har har,” Mary scoffed.

 “Who’s this?” Gary said, looking through the window as a black 1960 Cadillac Eldorado hearse pulled up to the curb behind Andi’s BMW. The doors opened almost in unison and a skinny man and skinny woman stepped out, dressed head to toe in black and made a beeline to Andi who stared open mouthed at their arrival.

“A pair of wankers,” Dennis added.

“Language!”

“Mom…”

“Hi, you must be Andrea Major,” the man said, taking off his sunglasses and carefully placing them into the pocket of his black suit jacket. “The agent for this property?”

“Yes, you can call me Andi,” she said a little dumbstruck.

The woman offered a thin smile probably intended to be sympathetic. “Your office said you were here. We were hoping to catch you and save you from making a second trip.”

“Ah, okay… and you are…?”

“Where are our manners,” the man smiled in a way he probably read somewhere was supposed to put people at ease. “I’m Gavin, this is my wife Sophie. We’re the Reeds.” He said “the Reeds” like it was obvious who they were.

“The… Reeds?”

“The hosts of the ‘Haunt Pursuit’ podcast?” Gavin said.

“The top-rated podcast on Apple, Spotify, and SiriusXM?” Sophie added.

Andi shook her head as she said, “Pleased to meet you…” She then changed the subject, “Would you like to see the property?”

“Yes, well…” Sophie started.

“We’re more interested in the activity previous owners have reported that have led to this being a ‘stigmatized property’” Gavin added finger air quotes around “stigmatized property.”

“Well, technically the deaths of the family were enough to relegate the property to the stigmatized designation, but the other families have reported various things like electrical issues that couldn’t be explained by electricians, the feeling of being watched, cold spots. Nothing concrete, but none lasted more than a couple years…”

Gavin and Sophie exchanged cold smiles. “We’ll take it,” they said in unison.

“Umm, I’m sorry?”

“It’s perfect,” Sophie said. “We’re going to move in and record everything for our podcast.”

“We’ve been looking for the perfect haunted property, and this fits the bill,” Gavin added.

“Oh, well, okay, then if you want to follow me to the office I can start the paperwork…” Andi motioned to her own car. Nods were shared and the Reeds moved towards their hearse.

“What in the hell…” Gary said as the cars drove off.

“What’s a podcast?” Mary asked.

“Like a radio show, honey,” Gary explained.

“Those pretentious pricks…” Dennis shook his head.

“Language, Dennis,” Mary started.

“No, I think he’s right, dear. These look like some pretentious pricks,” Gary agreed, folding his arms thoughtfully.

“Well, then we’ll to scare them like we did the Johnson’s,” Mary said with a little too much enthusiasm.

“You really had that late night wail down, mom,” Dennis smiled in memory.

“Thank you, Dennis.”

“No…” Gary said slowly.

“No?” Mary asked.

“No,” Gary said, “We don’t do anything.”

“Excuse me?” Dennis asked.

“These podcasters want a show. We’re not going to rise to their bait. We’re going to be the most boring ghosts they never saw.”

Dennis smiled mischievously. “You’re one twisted bastard, Dad.”

“Thank you, son.”

“Language!”